Dedicated to Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai.
Abhishek, it was a fair fight and I must admit that you turned out to be the better man at the end. Congrats, dude. Have fun.
Aishwarya, baby, I just wanted to let you know that I’ll never forget that one hot night in 2005. Whenever you need me, just mail vinod dot g at gmail dot com. Muah.
Unless you’ve been in a coma all these days, or even clinically dead, you probably know about this already - Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan got married yesterday, and here’s the shocking part, TO EACH OTHER. According to press reports, this was the biggest Indian wedding since the Vijaykant nuptials in 1990. It took place over the last couple of days, and many of you people who have jobs probably didn’t want to take the whole day off to watch the proceedings live on the television news channels, preferring to get back and watch live coverage of the Ash-Abhi wedding night instead. So this blog, to show its gratitude to all three of its loyal readers, decided to put its own life on hold and cover the entire event for you. So, if you’re ready, here we go:16:00:
So, after many months of speculation, here we are, ladies and gentlemen, inside our very own living rooms, because none of us have been invited to the big Bachchan-Rai wedding which is taking place in Mumbai as we type. After all these months of planning, preparation and unnecessary press coverage, are you all excited right now? No? Well, yeah, neither are we. But as we watch the crowds milling around the Bachchan residence and crazy fans climbing up on nearby trees to catch a glimpse of the goings on, the excitement is slowly building up inside us and we are finding it really hard to not change the channel.16:05:
The question on everyone’s lips right now is what will Aishwarya be wearing at the wedding? Really, everyone is asking it. It was also one of the questions on ‘Kaun Banega Crorepati’
last night. The contestant didn’t know the answer, so he decided to take the audience poll. All the women voted for option C: Kancheepuram Saree, while all the men voted for imaginary option E: Nothing.16:10:
Of course, having dealt with the entertainment world for so long, this blog knows that the question itself was fundamentally wrong. With celebrities, it’s not a question of what they're wearing, but who they're wearing, as in their designers. In this particular case, the entire Bachchan family, including the family dog Buster Bachchan, is decked out in Abu Jani & Sandeep Khosla. Here, we don’t mean their creations. We mean their actual skin. Both of them were killed and their skins removed during the sangeet
ceremony yesterday. The flesh will be served at the wedding dinner tonight.16:15:
Some of you may be wondering how the two unfortunate designers were killed, whether there was violence, any bloodshed etc. We would like to assure all of you that there wasn’t a single drop of blood spilled. The victims were murdered by being tied up and made to watch ‘Umrao Jaan’
on DVD. Their blood, which was later removed by a medical process known siphoning, will be on the wine list tonight. However, there is no need for alarm. The blood has been tested for HIV, by having Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty take a sip each and kiss each other.16:20:
I don’t know if you’ve heard but there was a bit of controversy at the Bachchan residence yesterday when a bit-part actress named Jhanvi Kapoor slit her wrists outside the gate, claiming that AB junior had dated her for a while, promised to marry her and then, ditched her for Ash, breaking her tender heart in the process. Onlookers noticed that she was waaaaaaayyy hotter than Aishwarya.16:25:
Getting back to the big wedding, the baaraat
is supposed to leave from one of the Bachchan family residences in Juhu – ‘Jalsa’ (Tamil speaking readers will have realised that this would’ve been an apt venue for the wedding night) and go over to the other Bachchan family residence in Juhu – ‘Prateeksha’, where the actual wedding ceremony will be held. This leads us to our second big question of the day: Why do the Bachchans need two family residences in the same locality?16:30:
Traffic has come to a standstill in Juhu because of the crowds and the proceedings are so dreadfully slow that we feel this may turn out to be an extremely long blog post. So from now on, we will be reporting only at fifteen-minute intervals. Meanwhile, talking of painfully slow, does anyone understand why that Venkatesh Prasad has been made the Indian bowling coach? The BCCI is run by a bunch of morons, I tell you. In fact, I think Aishwarya should wear Sharad Pawar this evening, if you know what I mean.16:45:
There are three buses, sponsored by the Reliance Anil Dhirubhai Ambani Group, parked outside ‘Jalsa’ to take the family to ‘Prateeksha’. Things are finally getting underway as the buses start leaving the house. They’re exiting through the gates now. This is all tremendously exciting, folks. There’s bus 1, there’s bus 2 and there’s bus 3. They are now out on the road. The crowd is going crazy. Now the buses have started moving again. If we had to guess, we’d say they were going at about 0.125 kmph, but we don’t have to. They’re taking a left turn now, into a neighbouring gate. I don’t understand… What the hell is happening here? Oh, we’re at ‘Prateeksha’ already?? Cool, that wasn’t very far…17:00:
The traffic jam caused by all the press vans and people is stretching out 5 km on either side of the road now as the family is getting off the buses, one by one, to go into the house for the ceremony. Abhishek is wearing a gorgeous cream and gold sherwani. His cute little nephew Agastya is wearing the exact same outfit, probably made out of the left-over material. Both have flowers hanging in front of their faces like tiny curtains. This is a tradition in all North Indian weddings, because otherwise people would see the drool spilling from the groom’s mouth. Papa Amitabh looks like someone just farted right under his nose.17:15:
There’s another big event that’s happening in Mumbai this evening. The selection committee will be meeting with the cricket board, to select the Indian team that will lose the one-day and test series in Bangladesh next month. There is a lot of excitement about this crucial meeting as cricket fans all over the country are anxious to know the names of the chosen few who will get to fail miserably in the upcoming tour. Don’t worry, we will keep you updated on that meeting as well.17:30:
The guest list for the Ash-Abhi wedding is extremely long for a private function, but very impressive. All the five-star hotels in Mumbai are filled to capacity, as are all the four, three and two-star ones. Bappi Lahri alone needed an entire hotel to sleep in, and another one for all his jewellery. There is simply no accommodation available for anyone else. The situation is so bad right now that the famous Dharavi slum colony has started renting out rooms. However, none of the invited guests are able to get to the wedding on time because of the massive traffic jam on all sides.17:45:
All the family members and invited guests are currently inside the house. As the television cameras aren't allowed to go in, we have no idea what’s happening in there. Meanwhile, the BCCI meeting on the other side of the city is also in full flow. According to latest reports, Sharad Pawar has already drunk three cups of tea and eaten an entire packet of Marie biscuits. Selection Committee head Dilip Vengsarkar was angered when Pawar slipped a twenty-rupee note into his hand and asked him to run down and buy him another packet.18:00:
Nothing is happening here at ‘Prateeksha’. It looks like everyone is still inside. Apparently, the priests who were supposed to perform the ceremony couldn’t make it as they are still stuck in the traffic jam, which now extends all the way to Lonavla. Everyone had started to panic, before they realized that Sooraj Barjatya was among the guests. The renowned director agreed to do the ceremony, but insisted that Abhishek and Aishwarya first have a major misunderstanding which is cleared up thanks to the sensitive and clever actions of the family dog, Buster Bachchan.18:15:
While we wait, let’s take a minute to talk about the notable absentees from the wedding guest list. Salman Khan was not invited because of his err.. past with Aishwarya and Shah Rukh Khan was not invited because he’s been stealing Papa Amitabh’s jobs. We were going to mention Viveik Oberoi also, but we realized that he isn’t notable.18:30:
THEY’RE OUT!! Finally!! The wait ends!! And the news is that legends Sachin and Saurav will not have to suffer the ignominy of more humiliating defeats at the hands of Bangladesh because they have been rested for the series. There are a few new players in the squad, whose names we don’t know and frankly don’t care about, because they will be dropped soon. Meanwhile the wedding is still going on. It’s been more than four hours now. This makes sense, once we remember that it’s Sooraj Barjatya running the show.19:00:
It’s finally over, folks. Phew! Abhishek and Aishwarya are now a happily married man and wife. Viveik Oberoi has just announced that he will soon be tying the knot with bit-part actress Jhanvi Kapoor. In a letter addressed to Abhishek, he reportedly wrote, “You married my ex. Now I’ll marry yours. Take that! Ha!” to which AB Jr. responded by saying “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha”
To wrap up this live coverage of the Abhi-Ash wedding, this blog would like to wish the new newlyweds a happy married life and raise the third, fourth and fifth big questions of the day. How many children will Ash and Abhi end up having? What will their names be? And most importantly, who will they wear?