Mostly Thoughtless

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Welcome to Mostlee Thottlessse

Today, we are going to talk about an issue that affects every single Indian, regardless of race, religion, age, caste or gender. Well, actually, it does take caste into account, and older Indians won’t really be affected directly but yes, it is still a highly critical issue.

For a couple of years now, the Indian Government, and in particular, Arjun Singh, aged 223, has been working very hard to increase reservations and quotas for the backward castes in educational institutions. You’ve probably read about this effort in the newspapers, or caught it on TV news channels, right after the headlines about Shilpa Shetty’s life (“Richard Gere kisses Shilpa”, “Shilpa hits back at Sena protestors”, “Passing crow shits on Shilpa’s head”, “My hair is OK, Shilpa assures her fans” etc.) But don’t worry, nothing’s going to happen anytime soon. Everybody’s just waiting for Arjun Singh to croak, after which the other politicians will just scrap the whole proposal and go back to doing what they were doing previously – taking bribes.

My personal opinion is that this quota issue is not a bad idea. It’s a really bad idea. However, with some major modifications, the proposal could end up greatly benefiting our glorious country. At the very outset, instead of students, quotas should be enforced on the usage of numerology. Excessive usage needs to be taxed, and repeat offenders should be punished. Everybody should be allowed to apply numerology to their names only once, and even then, only 10% of the letters in the name may be modified. For each additional letter, the changer would have to give up 50% of their total personal wealth, to Shilpa Shetty. This law should be enforced strictly and immediately. And to prove that they’re serious about this, the government should first hang Ekta Kapoor without trial.

My mind was recently alerted to this issue when I happened to watch the trailer for the new Himesh Reshammiya movie, which is titled ‘Aap Kaa Surroor – The Moviee – The Real Luv Storee.’ Seriously. This is the kind of knuckle-headed thing that I’m talking about. In this particular case, it was probably done to bring luck to the film, and to distract the audiences from the fact that Himesh is criminally insane, and looks like an import from Neptune. That’s also why he wears the cap, to keep his antennae folded in place.

Here’s how this numerology thing works, it’s pretty easy actually: First you associate every letter with a number, A-1, B-2, C-67, D-174 etc. Then you take people’s names and add up the values. And then you ask them to add an ‘A’ at the beginning, an ‘H’ at the end and throw a couple of ‘E’s into the middle. Finally, you charge them Rs. 1,250 as consulting fees. This is going on all over the country and causing a huge loss of national productivity. It is a widespread problem in Sri Lanka also, but there they use calculators. Otherwise, they’d never be able to solve Warnakulasuriya Upashantha Jayawardene’s numerological problems.

Another related and disturbing trend currently sweeping the country is the application of astrology to everything. We definitely need some kind of reservation for the topics that can be dealt with using astrology. Weddings are ok, but that’s pretty much about it. I am especially concerned about this Ma Prem Rithambhara who claims to be able to predict the outcome of cricket matches. Every day on ‘Extraaa Innings’, which in itself has two unnecessary letters, there’s a small segment called ‘Ma Prem Rithambhara predicts’, where this weird astrologist lady comes up with predictions like this: “In today’s match, Australia will beat Ireland but the latter is also capable of causing an upset, in which case they will sense a satisfaction. There may or may not be some rain. Australia’s score is likely to be 200-400 and for Ireland, it is likely to be 100-300. India is not likely to win this match. Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s house is most likely to be demolished, so he should immediately apply for property insurance.”

I think this is all getting to be a little too much. I think we need to pass some serious legislation stating that the only people allowed to change their names are those who are currently in witness protection programs, and under special consideration, those who’re cursed with genuinely horrible names, like Ma Prem Rithambhara. At this point, some of you may be thinking: “Wouldn’t that be grossly unfair? What if these numerological changes actually help these people lead more successful lives? What if, by implementing these strict measures, we are actually depriving them of their only chance to attain true happiness?”

The answer to that question is this: Consider Tushar ‘Tusshar’ Kapoor. Now here was a fine, strapping, young man with one dream - that of making it big in the Hindi film industry. He had all the charisma of a squirrel, but that didn’t stop him from dreaming, because apart from being strapping, he was also extremely stupid. But then, people discovered that his father was legendary ham Jeetendra, implying a complete and utter lack of cinematic talent genes. And if that wasn’t enough, he had Ekta Kapoor for an elder sister. We are talking about DNA so lousy that it had just a single helix structure. So here we have a situation that just cannot get any worse, and that whatever poor Tushar did from this point on would have to necessarily improve his life. So he went and got his name changed to ‘Tusshar Kapoor’. After the change, the new and improved Tusshar Kapoor has acted in four highly forgettable movies, all produced by his sister, which were so pitifully bad that even Jeetendra has now disowned him.

This very mistake, of adding unnecessary letters to one’s name, is being repeated by a number of young people in this country who could instead be spending their time on far more worthwhile activities, like kissing Shilpa Shetty and halting the spread of AIDS among truck drivers. This dire situation will change and our great country will improve if numerology and astrology are completely abolished, unless Jupiter and Saturn are in the sixth and eighth houses respectively, in which case the world will end this very evening.

25 Comments:

Blogger The last adam said...

"passing crow"..and "himesh"...tushar the squirrel and the helix...wowee...hilarious man...good one!

2:00 PM  
Anonymous Just Mohit said...

You need to be arrested.
My boss just blasted me for laughing so loud...i've now forwarded him the link to this one ;-)

2:48 PM  
Blogger Ratnakar said...

dude, show some mercy on me by not writing such posts as i am suffering from stomach ailments these days..... and uncontrollable laughter is making it worse...

10:21 PM  
Blogger rajkingme said...

shilpaaa.... sooo sadd...
im literaleee roooolling on floooor...hooooooo

10:52 PM  
Anonymous Rajat said...

"We are talking about DNA so lousy that it had just a single helix structure." - LOL. Too good.

At least Jeetendra could ham - Tusshar can barely change his facial expressions - the look on his face is the same whether he is happy, sad, angry (or frustrated with his lot ;-) ).

11:55 PM  
Anonymous venkat said...

Seriously this is quite funny..nothing special. I can't see why people are laughing that much, watch an episode of the 'The Office' for true laughs. Not bad though.

12:29 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@the last adam, just mohit
Thanks!

@ratnakar
hahaha.. thanks da.. so how are your stomach pains now??

@rajkingme
Numerology's fun, isn't it?? Kids won't have to learn any spelling in the future..

9:20 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@rajat
Absolutely, he's the most unremarkable actor in Bollywood, with everyone else, there's something to either like or hate.. this guy is just bland..

@venkat
Thanks!! And yes, 'The Office' is definitely funnier.. this blog is not really competing with it though..

9:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good topic. Nicely put but not in par with your other posts, IMHO (geez! you got competition - yourself!).

~Paulie

12:11 PM  
Blogger Marina said...

Oh this is seriously good stuff. I like the way you tackle some really serious stuff with humour. Great work.

1:56 PM  
Blogger N!kh!l said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:02 PM  
Blogger N!kh!l said...

If there is anyone who can take the most serious of topics and turn it into a truly hilarious one it has to be Vinnoddd Gee. You have very less competition in this world of blogging.Good to see you posting frequently.

11:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its good to see you posting frequently and I love ur work. But I have a suggestion(what else!!).. try to concentrate on a core topic, the topic that inspired you to write, and not to digress too much from what you attack, and if possible throw a question for feedback at the end... - do that you are a star columnist on your way

NRV

11:48 PM  
Anonymous venkat said...

I tried to lessen my praise to see if you'd become defensive over very slight criticism and irrlevantly referred to 'The Office.' However, you didn't mind at all. The blog is seriously funny, witty and you seem like a good guy. Well done!!

3:16 AM  
Anonymous raghu ram prasad said...

yes this is nice pot and clearly explained.... thanks visit my blog

5:52 PM  
Blogger Sundar Narayanan said...

the single helix is usually an RNA, but based on your post maybe it should be called TNA, Veenodh.

:)

1:01 AM  
Blogger Jaya said...

LOL LOL.. you're just awesome :D I have been laughin for ever..
just checked ur blog and was pleasantly surprised to see all the new posts.. so happy that u aint pulling a 2006 on us ;))

Grrreaat goinng :D Keep Blogginng
Just as a matter of curiosty - how much were u charged for that largely meaningful and completely sensible blog title? and how much more luck cud u possibly want with blog audiences? ur after all the reigning king of blogosphere :D

1:43 AM  
Blogger ashwin sundar said...

Awesome man!!the title says it all..

9:22 AM  
Blogger Sameera said...

nice one!

5:22 PM  
Blogger Shraddha Manvi said...

This was fun to read. Keep writing. :)

2:31 PM  
Anonymous sakthi said...

Hey Vino,you rocking man! Initially i thought you are taking something seriously about reservation then only i know your real funny face..great yar..
Breakdown Insurance

6:27 PM  
Anonymous Yogesh said...

Better late than never...

Amazing post............... :-D

Wonder why isnt your blog as popular as others??

Its good in a way - its a "Cult Blog"

Keep Rocking :-)

12:16 AM  
Blogger Maya said...

"Otherwise, they’d never be able to solve Warnakulasuriya Upashantha Jayawardene’s numerological problems."

you're a riot!!

11:51 PM  
Blogger Alankrita said...

Holy GOd!!!
you are the funniest thing ever!!!

the DNA so pathetic was awesome!!

1:16 AM  
Blogger Balakrishnan said...

Aged 223 indeed... :)

"charisma of a squirrel" was rotfl!! - and true :)

Regds,
Balki

1:53 AM  

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