The Secret Diary of Gregory Stephen Chappell, aged 58 and 2/3

Thursday, March 15th

We arrived in the West Indies a few days ago and I am very happy with the way things are progressing with the team. We have already played two warm-up games against the Netherlands and the West Indies in which I used my tactical acumen and strategic brilliance to steer India to convincing victories. It also helped that both the teams were drunk when they took the field. The facilities here are pretty good, which is very surprising considering none of the Caribbean countries are in Australia. At both the matches, I was given a big desk and comfortable chair in the team dressing room where I could play Minesweeper and watch porn on my laptop without any disturbance.

Wherever we go, the players are being mobbed for autographs and photographs. But nobody has asked me for one yet. I don’t understand why. Maybe they’re all just in awe of me because I was such a great batsman and captain during my time. Ya that’s probably it. I must work towards alleviating their fear and making myself more approachable. And I must also become more photogenic so that they ask me to pose for photographs. Maybe I should learn to smile.

Friday, March 16th

We play the minnows Bangladesh tomorrow. I hate them because their country is closely related to Bengal, where Sourav comes from. One of the greatest moments of my life came when I gave the finger to some Bengali fans in that shithole Kolkata. Anyway, the Bangladesh team is not very good at all. After we thrash them tomorrow, we will then play some team called Bermuda on Monday. I wonder why they have named themselves after loose shorts. They have a really fat player in their team, who grosses me out completely. I may be 58 years old but I am still fit as a fiddle, like I was throughout my stellar career.

Lots of NRIs have come over from the United States to watch us play. They have gifted the team a number of boxes containing different kinds of sweets. Some of them addressed me as ‘Lavade Ka Baal’. I asked Sachin what that meant and he told me that they were calling me the ‘Saviour of Indian Cricket’. With utmost modesty, I thanked them and accepted their wishes. They are right, you know. The Indian team would be crap without me. These NRIs appear to be very nice people, inspite of being software engineers. I think I will allow the players to eat some of the sweets during our post match celebrations tomorrow.

I also practiced my signature all through the practice session so that I would not freeze when I’m asked for my autograph. Preparation is the key to success. My elder brother Ian was a panelist on Sony Entertainment Television today. He said that no one had any doubt that I would help India beat Bangladesh comfortably. He also told me that Mandira Bedi was looking gorgeous today. Both of us are in love with her. Our younger brother Trevor loves Charu Sharma.

Saturday, March 17th

We lost today. Unbelievable. I am still in a state of shock. The players have disgraced my name completely. How will I show my face in Australia hereafter??? This is turning out to be a complete disaster. Sehwag failed again today, but Rahul likes him very much, so he cannot be blamed. Sourav was the only top order batsman to show some resolve. He scored 66, but his strike rate was extremely poor. I think that’s why we lost the game. He should be dropped from the team immediately. Without a doubt, the highlight of the match was when I instructed Rahul to bowl Sehwag from the eastern end in the afternoon. My tactic worked beautifully as two Bangladeshi batsman got out after being blinded by the sun’s reflection of Sehwag’s bald dome.

The only consolation was that Pakistan also lost to minnows Ireland today. Shockingly, they are out of the World Cup already. But then again, what did they expect after being coached by the fat Englishman Bob Woolmer? Nobody from England is any good at anything. Bob could not even teach them to shave properly. If the Pakistan Cricket Board had any sense, they would sack him immediately and hire an Australian in his place. My brother Ian is currently on the lookout for a job. Like me, he was also a truly great captain and an outstanding batsman. Maybe I should forward his brilliant resume to the PCB.

Ian told me that Mandira was looking very depressed throughout the post-match discussion and didn’t smile even once. I felt very bad. So I wrote her a letter to make her feel better. The letter went:

Dear Mandira, my sweetie pie,

I know you must be very upset right now but you must also understand that there is a distressing lack of talent in the current Indian team, and that is why we were unable to beat the minnows Bangladesh today. Don’t worry, I am working hard on them and soon my influence will begin to show and they will start playing brilliantly. Be patient, darling, for our victory in this World Cup is certain.

P.S: I finished the ‘expert’ level in Minesweeper today. Yippeee! I will be trying Solitaire from tomorrow. Trevor tells me it’s far more challenging.

Yours always,
Greg

Sunday, March 18th

I couldn’t sleep properly last night because I was having nightmares about yesterday’s shocking defeat. I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over the mental trauma of losing to a team composed entirely of Bengalis. The Indian coaching job must be the worst job in the world. I would quit and become coach of the mighty Australian team, which has no Bengalis, but then John Buchanan’s contract is not over yet.

The Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer reportedly died last night in his hotel room. It’s a great loss for the world of cricket. He was a mediocre bowler and a pathetic batsman when we were playing, and I was waaay better than him, but it’s not right for me to speak ill about the dead. May his soul rest in peace and may god bless his family. I have already forwarded Ian’s resume to the Pakistan Cricket Board. He is sure to get the job, there’s absolutely no question about it. Brilliance runs in our blood. Genius is in our genes.

I practised my signature for two hours today, during the press conference. No one has asked me for an autograph yet. I also asked Irfan to teach me how to smile. That’s the only thing he knows to do properly these days.

Monday, March 19th

We beat Bermuda by 257 runs today, undoubtedly because of my expert coaching. I think we will win this World Cup for sure, and then nobody can deny me the Australian coaching job. The boys scored 413 runs today, which is a record for World Cup matches. I find it highly surprising that Australia has never made a higher score. Sehwag scored a hundred today. He is undoubtedly the best batsman in the team after Rahul, who hit a brilliant 7*. Sourav scored only 89. He should be sentenced to death.

I finished my Solitaire game in ten minutes today, almost as much time it took Robin to get out. It’s my new personal best. I need a greater challenge from tomorrow. My brother Trevor tells me that I should try Spider Solitaire. He knows I like insects. And because I finished the game early today, I spent the rest of my time watching a terrific movie called ‘Hose Your Daddy?’ in which my favourite actress Jenna Jameson played a firefighter. It was absolutely mindblowingly brilliant. The director must have been Australian.

Our next match is against Sri Lanka this Friday. I hate the team, because they are not minnows and I hate all the players too, because I can’t pronounce any of their names. I also hate them because they are all cheaters. That fellow Mularilaaithrathanrathan throws the ball without any shame. My noble countrymen Darrell Hair and Ross Emerson were absolutely correct to have called him for chucking but they were punished because the ICC is biased to the Asian countries. Racist dogs.

Ian told me that Mandira was looking extremely delighted and positively radiant during the post-match discussion today. He told me she was wearing noodle straps so thin that one could hardly see them, even from where he was sitting, three feet away. I haven’t gotten a reply to my letter from her so far. Maybe it hasn’t reached her yet. Stupid postal system. In Australia, the letters reach faster than e-mail.

Tuesday, March 20th

I had a fantastic dream about Mandira last night. We were kissing and she was wearing her famous noodle straps. When I woke up this morning, my pants were all wet. One of the players must have played a prank by entering my room and pouring water on my crotch. They can be very naughty that way. Trevor has given me a new DVD titled ‘The Pursuit Of Gayness’. I think I’ll watch it tomorrow during practice.

While analyzing yesterday’s match video, I noticed that the fat guy from Bermuda took a brilliant catch. After applying my astute cricketing brain to this incident, I concluded that some weight gain would greatly improve Indian fielding standards. So, from tomorrow onwards, I am going to make the players eat all the sweets the NRIs have given us. We will then field like tigers against Sri Lanka on Friday. The team physio told me I was mental, but what does he know? Moron. I’m going to recommend to the BCCI that he should be fired immediately.

The Jamaican police announced today that Bob Woolmer was murdered. They are saying that he was poisoned and then strangled with a towel. The killer must have been a complete moron, probably Bengali too, because only a nincompoop would poison his victim and then strangle him to death. Anyway, now I am scared the same fate may befall me if India was to lose against Sri Lanka. I can see the hate in Sourav’s eyes when he looks at me during practice. I have asked the BCCI to provide me with a couple of armed bodyguards. I guess I’m worrying unnecessarily though. Under my brilliant leadership, there is absolutely no way we can lose.

A kid approached me with an autograph book and asked me to sign it. I smiled at him. He immediately dropped the book and started crying for his mother. Kids are stupid. That’s why I dropped Parthiv Patel. I was right all along.

Wednesday, March 21st

Today’s practice session was loads of fun. I made the players eat all the sweets and then forced them to play kho-kho. Ha Ha Ha Ha! I also went and got a hair-cut today. My hair looks really smart now. I look like a balding Mel Gibson. However, my hair still doesn’t look as lustrous as Dhoni’s. I must ask him what he uses to make it look so thick and glossy. I wonder what Mandira will say about my new hair-cut when she sees me at the game on Friday.

Pakistan won their match today by beating the minnows Zimbabwe by 93 runs, thereby proving that having no coach at all is better than having an Englishman as the coach. Ha Ha Ha Ha! I’m in a really good mood today. By the way, two suspicious looking people followed me all the way from the practice ground to my hotel room. I must ask the BCCI to send the bodyguards over quickly.

I am also considering growing myself a handlebar moustache, just like the old days. I think it will make me look sexy. I am pasting an old newspaper clipping here to remind me of my younger self. Don’t you think I look handsome?

Thursday, March 22nd

Today, I gave the players a great ‘pep talk’ to motivate them for the big game against Sri Lanka. I said to them, “We will not go down without a fight; we will not vanish into the night. We are going to live on; we are going to survive. Tomorrow, we celebrate our Independence Day.” Sourav interrupted and said that their Independence Day actually fell on August 15th and then Sachin pointed out that I had flicked my speech from a popular Hollywood movie. Smartass. I told him he may have been the ‘Lavade Ka Baal’ for the last 15 years but now, I’m the only ‘Lavade Ka Baal’ around. Everyone laughed at my wit.

When I stepped out later for practice, I saw the two suspicious looking guys who were following me yesterday waiting outside my room. I knew the team couldn’t risk losing me and my strategic acumen at this crucial stage in the tournament. So I went back into the room, locked the door shut and cancelled the practice session. However, not wanting this to affect the team’s preparation, I called room service and asked them to deliver two giant chocolate cakes to all the players’ rooms. I am 100% confident that we will beat Sri Lanka tomorrow and sail into the Super Eight Stage.

I watched ‘The Pursuit Of Gayness’ in my hotel room today. There were no women in it at all. It was yucky! Will have to give Trevor a wedgie the next time I see him.

Friday, March 23rd

We lost again today. Incredibly, we are out of the World Cup now. I am highly disappointed with the team. I think this is the worst day of my life. It was a pathetic performance today. The players looked extremely tired and their movement was very sluggish, I wonder why. That stupid physio is completely useless. The cheater Mularilaaithrathanrathan took three wickets with his blatant throws. I am going to file a complaint with the ICC. All our batsmen failed miserably, except Rahul and Sehwag, of course. They scored 60 and 44 respectively. Yuvraj got himself run out in the most idiotic fashion but it was only because he had to go to the toilet really urgently.

I realized today that Spider Solitaire doesn’t have any spiders. I don’t understand how it’s supposed to be played either. It sucks. I feel Sourav was solely responsible for our defeat to Sri Lanka today. I’ll probably murder him tonight, unless he murders me first, in which case I will not. The bodyguards have not yet arrived.

Mandira will be so devastated after today’s result. It’s probably all over between us. I have a brand new DVD called ‘Thermopileup’ in which Jenna takes on 300 Spartan soldiers on a narrow cliff top. I am in no mood to watch it though.

Saturday, March 24th

I still don’t understand how we managed to do so poorly in the tournament in spite of my tactical brilliance. Ian was a guest panelist again on Sony Entertainment Television yesterday where they were discussing the issue. He assured me that he had cleverly manipulated the discussion to make it seem like the players were the sole reason for the defeat. He added that Mandira was looking magnificent, as she always does. I felt like someone had just plunged a burning spear in my heart.

Sharad Pawar called me today and told me they were not going to send any bodyguards over for my protection. He’s an incompetent idiot, and for some reason, he looks like he always has a couple of table tennis balls stuffed in his mouth. I can hear heavy footsteps outside in the hallway. And someone just knocked on the door. I am scared now. Maybe if I smile at them, they will go away.

Sunday, March 25th

After doing some extensive analysis on my laptop, I have finally identified the root cause of India’s early exit from the 2007 World Cup. The selection panel, chaired by that senile Vengsarkar is to blame completely for this disaster. The composition of the team was all wrong, primarily because Suresh Raina was not included. The old selection committee was so much more understanding. Kiran More used to visit me at my villa every evening and wait patiently while I lowered my pants before kissing my behind.

I am currently writing out a detailed report on the World Cup performance. I will present it to the BCCI as soon as we land in India. I will also create a PowerPoint presentation in order to present my views easily. I need to ask Trevor how to get the text to slide in from the left, right after I give him the wedgie.