Peer-to-peer hookup

If you’re a guy, how would you like it if someone told you that you could sit at home all day, in your pyjamas which are still wet with your drool, doing absolutely nothing, not even brushing your teeth, emitting a stench foul enough to kill nearby street dogs AND get a woman to go out with you at the same time?

Right now, all the girls reading this are going, "how gross... which woman would go out with a guy like that?" but the guys are not even in their seats right now, they’re out of the room, combing the streets, trying to find the someone who told them that and asking him exactly what they had to do to get into that situation?? What they should be doing instead is getting into the big bad world of Online Dating, which is a multi-billion dollar global industry dedicated to helping the cause of guys all over the world who have no hope of getting a date the usual way.

I’m not joking. The industry is booming in a big way all over the world and it’s easy to see why. In a flash, it has managed to neutralize man’s greatest fear when it comes to romance. Now the greatest fear a guy has when he’s trying to ask a girl out is that the girl is gonna look at him, say "Of course not, loser!!" and that everyone around, including the girl, would start pointing at him and laughing their guts out. He would be branded a loser for the rest of his bitter life, all the way to a miserable death or a long career in the software industry. But on the internet, it's different. There is no ‘everyone around’. The girl can say whatever she wants!! You can just close the window!! And maybe even e-mail her a virus!!

Starting to sound good?? Well it’s quite easy to get into it. All you need to do is sign up on a dating site or even one which offers ‘social networking’, which is what they call dating in the corporate world. There you’ll have to first fill in your profile details. This part doesn’t make any sense to me. There’s always a box saying "Looks:" that needs to be filled up. Now if someone is stupid enough to fill it up with "hideous", "ugly, with a large hairy mole on either cheek" or "resembles filmstar Vijaya T. Rajendherr", then finding a date is probably not his biggest problem. Most guys, however, know what to do with this section. If they had scars and boils all over their face, looking more like a World War II battlefield strewn with dead bodies, they’d fill in "rugged good looks" without a second thought.

Guys do this because they believe that all girls are fundamentally stupid. (I don’t. I love you all.) This is also the reason they think it’s clever to put a picture of Hrithik Roshan on their profiles. For some reason, they believe that it just won’t occur to girls that Hrithik Roshan, or rugged, handsome guys in general don’t need to get on the internet to find dates. They just have to cough and hot girls start throwing themselves at them. They could have all the intelligence of a shoebox but it wouldn’t matter a bit to the girls queuing up outside their doors. These guys have probably never even been on the internet, except maybe to order party packs of condoms in between their orgies. Online dating is not for them, it’s for the rest of us.

And it is for the rest of us, that I have compiled this Online Dating Q&A section:

Q: I could be wrong here, but aren’t ‘dates’ the fruit we get from palm trees?

A: Yes, you are absolutely correct.

Q: Then why do guys call the girls they go out with their ‘dates’?

A: Because both are best when they’re sweet and fleshy.

Q: So what exactly does one mean by ‘dating’?

A: Checking whether they are sweet and fleshy.

Q. How does one go about doing that?

A: Well, first you have to get down on… STOP!! This is going in a completely different direction. We are here to talk about the concept of online dating. So, please let’s have questions relating to that ONLY.

Q: Ok how do I pick a good site for online dating or ‘social networking’?

A: Well, considering this decision could actually affect the rest of your life, I would say you should pore over your options carefully and pick the site with the lowest membership fee. A free site would be the best option.

Q: Ok, I’ve done that. What next?

A: Create your profile and wait for the babes to start banging down your door.

Q: Oh wow, it’s really that simple?

A: No, you idiot, I was being sarcastic. You’ll probably only get messages from 35-year-old gay ex-convicts with a photo of Rani Mukherjee on their profiles.

Q: So what is the one biggest advantage of online dating over the conventional approach?

A: It saves everyone a load of time.

Q: How so?

A: Let’s consider the story of two good friends, Ram and Shyam, who are both desperate to hook up with women. Ram, who adopts the personal approach, picks out a girl, consults his astrologer and decides on an auspicious day, writes out and memorizes what he would say to her, and then, once he is reasonably confident, meets her face-to-face, musters up all his courage and asks her if she would go out with him. She turns him down immediately. Shyam, who takes the smarter online approach, copy-pastes the same pick-up line to 568 women, and thanks to the lightning fast world of the internet, gets rejected by all of them within seconds.

Q: Just out of curiosity, what was the pick-up line Shyam used?

A: "Hai swettie, you r luking marvelus honey. do u want to dating with me? dont worry i am gud luking also."

Q: Isn’t that grammatically wrong?

A: Yes. It should’ve read "dont worry i am also gud luking."

Q: Well, how does Shyam actually look?

A: He resembles filmstar Vijaya T. Rajendherr.