Wish You Were Hair?

Since the beginning of time, Mankind has always had a tremendous fascination for balls. They just can’t seem to leave them alone, to let them be, so to speak. They feel the need to constantly play with them, scratch at them, rub them or just plain hold them. Womankind also is known to perform all of these activities, but less frequently and only during particularly intimate moments. Mankind, on the other hand, shamelessly does it whenever the opportunity presents itself. At work, at play, at weddings, at funerals, you name the place and Mankind will be there, scratching. We are pretty sure that even the great Abraham Lincoln, during his famous Gettysburg address, was steadily doing the business behind the lectern. Anyway, that is besides the point and totally not what this blog post is trying to talk about.

Instead, what this post is trying to say is that the honourable Darrell Hair, who, in spite of constantly looking like someone just farted up his nose, is undoubtedly a world class umpire and more importantly, a sperm carrying life member of Mankind, should have known better than to report the members of the Pakistani cricket team for having done unmentionable things to the ball, knowing that it was only natural. The unfortunate Pakistani cricketers, whose understanding of English is comparable to Paris Hilton’s of Income Tax Law, simply thought Hair was asking them not to do it out on the field in public view and so they went back into their dressing rooms and refused to come out until they were done. Some of them are still in there, scratching away. The incident shocked the cricketing world and irreversibly changed the lives of all the involved parties. As Pakistani captain Inzamam-ul-Haq summed it up so eloquently, “... is a Darrell Hair is not a fair… is a shocked... insh-allah... is a change life of my player... is my player is a do nothing wrong...”

Ever since the incident took place, a couple of weeks back, people from all corners have been giving poor old Darrell a very hard time. Let’s give the poor guy a break and try to figure out why he did what he did. And we don’t have to look very far. His name is ‘Hair’, for God’s sake. His childhood must’ve been a right royal nightmare. We know school kids, we’ve all been school kids, and so we know that if there had been anyone named ‘Hair’ in our class, we would be in the principal’s office right now getting told off for making fun of a classmate. Let’s face it, Hair must have had it bad. Even the puny, geeky Asian kids in his class would have made fun of him. He probably grew up lonely, watching Australian soap operas, which, if reports are to be believed, are worse than Indian ones, and so grew up to hate humankind in general, especially Asians.

So, fast forward 30 years and here’s Darrell Hair, now a distinguished middle-aged gentleman, who’s somehow managed to put a lifetime of suffering behind him, and built a successful career as a top cricket umpire. He’s officiating in a test match between Sri Lanka and Australia, and a spinner sporting a cheeky grin is just about to bowl. As Hair looks at him, he is immediately transported back in time to memories of his fourth grade, and visions of a small dark, scrawny Sri Lankan kid, wearing thick glasses and braces, pointing at him screaming, “My name might be Aravinda Upashantha Jayawickramasinghe Ranatungawardene, but your name is HAIR!!! HAIR!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!” The trauma is simply unbearable and having to relive it makes it even worse. Years of pent up hate and anger rise up his throat and come flooding out... “NO BALL!! CHUCKING!!” he says, and poor Muttiah Muralitharan’s life is screwed for the rest of his cricket career.

The question we must ask here is not “Does Muttiah Muralitharan really chuck?” (Answer: Yes) or “Upto what degree can the bowling arm be bent during the delivery action?” (Answer: We don’t know.) Instead, as responsible Indian cricket lovers, we should probably ask, “Is there anyway Darrell Hair can be made to officiate ALL of Pakistan’s matches?” No!! I’m kidding!! As responsible cricket lovers, the questions we must ask are “What kind of cruel parents would subject their kid to the name ‘Hair’? Were they drunk or something?” Actually, we are also partly to blame for his situation. Instead of taking pity on the poor man and getting him admitted to an institution where he can get some professional help, we, insensitive brutes that we are, call him all kinds of names and brand him a complete idiot. We write newspaper articles and blog posts making fun of him. Simply put, all of our actions reflect a compete lack of compassion or concern for an unfortunate fellow human being. Why do we do this? Because it’s fun! So let’s continue...

So, anyway, I feel that this ball-tampering issue has gone too far already and it’s even showing on the Pakistani players out on the field, in the sense that they’re playing much better cricket now. Inzamam-ul-Haq's ears, which are normally tuned to stands in anticipation of the spectators calling him a fat potato, are now, rather reluctantly, tuned to his players and the umpire. So, I feel that it’s high time that everyone just dropped the issue and got on with the game. Or as Inzamam might put it, “Insh-allah... I is a scratch the balls... You is a scratch the balls... all is a scratch the balls... is a not my player fault...is a want to play cricket is all... insh-allah...”