Mostly Thoughtless

Tam Brahm, thank you ma'am

Saturday, February 25, 2006

The ski is the limit!

Are you tired of watching sports that give you edge of the seat thrills? Do you drop off to sleep whenever you see a cricket match where a team has 14 runs to win off the last over? Or do you find yourself stifling yawn after yawn during a football game where it’s 3-3 after overtime and it’s come down to a penalty shoot-out? Do you prefer sports like golf and billiards instead? And do you secretly pray every morning for channels to start showing bridge tournaments on TV? Well, you must be extremely stupid but don‘t worry, we have just the thing for you – The Winter Olympic Games.

Seriously, the Winter Olympics have got to be the least popular event in the sporting world and it’s hard to believe that a concept as boring as this was invented by the Greeks, the same geniuses who gave us the alphabet, the Tragedy, the big fat wedding and the Summer Olympics, which introduced the all-time greatest, most groundbreaking concept in sports entertainment – naked athletes. This feature drew huge crowds and the male athletes had to continuously keep popping Viagra pills so as to not lose face in front of the female fans. This was also the first recorded instance of drug abuse at the Olympics. In fact, Viagra abuse became so commonplace that the organisers didn’t even buy flagpoles for the opening ceremony anymore. Legend goes that one such heavily doped athlete was walking near the track one day when he tripped over a CNN news crew’s camera cable, thereby inventing the new sport of Pole Vault.

Getting back to our subject, the Winter Olympics are held every four years, for a period that seems to last 17 years. The 2006 edition of the games, which will come to an end tomorrow, was held in Turin (Torino), Italy. The official mascots of Torino 2006 are Neve, a female snowball (to signify that Winter involves snow) and Gliz, a male remote control (to signify that you need to change the channel immediately). The official motto of he Games is “Passion lives here”. No, I’m sorry, that is the official joke of the Winter Olympics. The official motto is “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”.

Now I know that most of you would have had better things to do than watching the Winter Olympics, such as not watching the Winter Olympics or undergoing a root canal procedure. So, for your benefit, here are some of the highlights:

The Opening Ceremony: The Opening Ceremony of Turin 2006 was held on February 10, and broadcast live to an estimated worldwide audience of 35 people. The ceremony paid tribute to the rich culture and history of Italy, by screening the movie ‘Gladiator’ and ordering pizza. IOC President Jacques Rogge, in his inaugural speech, told the Olympic athletes, “I do not knowing what to say,” before adding, “Please to be competing cleanly, without using the doping.” The glittering event finally ended with the lighting of the Olympic flame by Italy’s best known cross-country skiier, Luciano Pavarotti.

Alpine Skiing: As in the previous games, this was a highly competitive event held on the slopes of the Alps. However, due to a heavy blizzard, no one is actually able to see the competition. As no one knows the names of the athletes either, the judges pick lots and award the gold medal to the ‘guy wearing the blue bodysuit and black monkey cap’.

Luge: In this event, an athlete lies down on his back on a narrow sled and asks someone to push him off. He then slides through a long course, careening violently around a number of winding corners and finally brakes by crashing into an ice wall and suffering a number of concussions. Athletes train hard for this event by spending long hours in the gym, lying down on their backs. India’s Shiva Keshavan was supposed to take part in this event but missed it as he was watching ‘Americal Idol’ instead.

Curling: What happens here is that one person rolls a large polished granite stone on ice and two others sweep the ice with brooms to create a smooth frictionless path for the stone. At Turin this year, the organisers were placed in a quandry as only two teams had registered for the event. The Indian team, consisting of my apartment watchman and two of the housemaids went on to beat the highly fancied Canadians and win the gold medal.

Biathlon: This event combines the excitement and thrills of two entetaining events and rolls them into one boring package. What happens here is, first the athletes do some shooting and then ski down a mountain slope to escape from the Italian Police. After getting down, they do some more shooting. This year’s biathlon saw some really close competition, with U.S Vice President ‘Dick’ Cheney claiming the gold after shooting the Swedish athlete who was leading near the finish line.

Cross-Country Skiing: This event generated a huge amount of controversy this time as the Austrian ski team, which finished last in the competition, was suspected of drug abuse. Replays clearly showed they were fast asleep during President Rogge’s speech and a surprise raid of their team premises revealed large stocks of most banned substances and sophisticated blood transfusion equipment. The team was awarded the gold medal for ‘stupidest drug abusers ever’.

Figure Skating: Easily the most popular sport at the Winter Games, this event is famous for featuring couples wearing ridiculous costumes and skating around a rink. This year, the most memorable performance came from the host Italian team. After performing a number of complicated and beautiful moves, the man lifted the woman up in one fluid motion, performed a stylish turn and then slammed her down hard on the ice with all the grace of a garbage truck. The judges then awarded the gold medal to the highest bidder.

Nordic Combined: This event was abandoned as no one had the slightest clue as to what it was all about. So, instead of it, the organisers held an informal competition to see who had the most well-defined genital outline through their tights. This event was also won by U.S Vice President ‘Dick’ Cheney.

The Closing Ceremony: This event, technically, has not yet been held. But it promises to be, as one highly placed IOC executive informs us, extremely boring. The climax of the 2006 Winter Olympics, which is also sure to be the highlight of the evening, will be an aria sung by Italy’s most famous tenor – Sylvester Stallone.

45 Comments:

Blogger Gulam Hasan said...

me first A?

12:17 PM  
Blogger Gulam Hasan said...

yeaahhhhhhh me first :D now lemme read hehe

12:18 PM  
Blogger Gulam Hasan said...

LOL ..ROTFL @ Pole Vault n Dick Cheney not ur best but its gud to c u bloggin so frequently...Go Vindy!!

12:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"The ceremony paid tribute to the rich culture and history of Italy, by screening the movie ‘Gladiator’ and ordering pizza."

Hahahahaha... ROTFL stuff dude..

- Anurag

12:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lol... Great post man..

1:31 PM  
Blogger Rohit said...

ROTFL. I have seen curling on DD Sports. I guess it beats throwball in stupidity.

1:47 PM  
Blogger Vikram H said...

ROTFLMAO...I completely agree!...Its so damn boring and that Curling event seems so damn juvenile!!

3:59 PM  
Blogger Myndfcukd said...

funny.

4:33 PM  
Blogger Ramanujam said...

Yest is saw curling...as funny as ur post!!!
DD sports has been very generous in covering all the events live...
Long live Dooooordarshan....

5:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"informal competition to see who had the most well-defined genital outline through their tights."

Geez!! how'd you think up this stuff?? lol.. - Rahul

5:12 PM  
Blogger Supremus said...

ROFL!!!

Oh man, how do you come up with such posts LOL. Jeez, I have to say Winter Olympics are quite cold and colorless. I dont even know why ppl have this fancy dress competitions - I mean, half the sports looks like ppl invented them because there was snow around - esp that curl - what a useless game.

I love women's (note the word women) figure skaing - Most women are pretty good looking and err um... and generously display their "figure" while skating, taking the thrill level to new level. Now only if Playboy sponsored this event...

Greatwriteupasusual :D

Suyog

7:58 PM  
Blogger shub said...

LOL!! great post:)

8:40 PM  
Blogger Sameera said...

aaa nice one rotfl

made me rem ur previous post on the olympics...doesnt hold a candle to that one

but good stuff vindy

lol @sly stallone and pavarotti

god bless this funny side of u ..lol

keep it coming

9:10 PM  
Blogger Sharath MS said...

ROTFL!

Btw, ever thought of Winter Olympics with cars? Well, they did!

2:38 AM  
Blogger Satyashree Srikanth said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Watch out ! POsts getting stereotypical.

7:33 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@gulam
That must've been really quick!! Thanks man!!

@Anurag
Lol.. yeah, the most important contrbution from italy - Pizza..

@anon
Thanks!!

8:04 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@rohit
Curling is the undisputed champion in stupidity.. even watching it is stupid.. :)

@vikram
Yeah!!

@theunlikelygenius
Thanks!

8:06 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@ramanujam
Dorrdarshan has always taken pride in providing only the best entertaiment.. their cricket coverage for instance..

@Rahul
hahaha... thanks dude..

8:08 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@Supremus
Yeah... Playboy sponsorship would be fun.. or even NatGeo for that matter.. :)

@Shub
Hey Shub, thanks!!

8:13 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@sameera
Ah.. ok!! Will try and do better next time!!! :)

@Sharath MS
Thanks for the link!! Lol..

8:15 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@Anon
Ok will watch out!!

8:18 AM  
Anonymous jEDI said...

hehe.. Hilarious as usual Vinod, especially description of various events. I used to absolutely hate all kinds of winter sports until I tried out a few. I must say quite exciting.. Still a far cry from watching them on TV but still..

People watch it religiously in Canada and Europe though - possibly because at some point they participated in some.

Curling arrghhh! What a waste of time!

Keep posting!

4:50 PM  
Blogger Mahesh said...

I have got a good collection of google logos.Everything except this is hopeless when Turin is considered.

6:49 PM  
Blogger _ð!®†ß¤¥ said...

Dude... Someday I'm gonna kill myself after reading your blog, for not being able to stop laughing. Again, as usual, killer humor and a toxic doze of sarcasm!!

10:38 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@jedi
Yeah probably.. has anybody ever seen the faces of those skiiers??

@mahesh
I actually liked the Google turin logos.. thought they were quite nice..

@†h3 Fac3Smash3r
Thanks!!! Keep visiting!!!

8:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"In fact, Viagra abuse became so commonplace that the organisers didn’t even buy flagpoles for the opening ceremony anymore. "

hehehehehe.. hilarious.. good stuff..

11:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Donkey no know camphor smell

1:34 PM  
Blogger Sunita said...

hey, have been following your blogs for sometime. Have linked you on my blog. I am having fun reading your posts.

3:11 PM  
Blogger Niharika said...

i dont know how to appeciate it.. all i can say is that it was superb and i am sure the 35th registered viewer of the opening ceremony was my dad!!and he did keep up with it regiously even edging the curling competitors to scream harder!!!!!

3:24 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@anonymous
Thanks!!

@anonymous2
Winter Olympics = Camphor smell???

O-Kay..

5:10 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@Sunita
Hey Sunita, thanks for the link.. glad you like the posts.. keep visiting!!

@Niha
Thanks!! And... edging the curling competitors to try harder??? hahahahaha please tell me you're kidding!!

5:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

do u guys know that Curling is called Chess on ice and needs extereme strategic planning.

5:21 PM  
Blogger Siddhu said...

LOL! Polevault it seems!! Pervert!! ;)

3:32 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@anon
Yeah, lots of strategic planning to figure out what would be the quickest way to the nearest hospital after you suffer that stroke resulting from brain inactivity..

@Siddhu
Yeah, and that incident was the basis for the new blockbuster movie.. "Brokefront Mountain"

8:46 AM  
Blogger Siddhu said...

Lol!! Are you competing with Peelu?;)

2:47 AM  
Blogger A.G.Sudarshan said...

My cousin sis is stuck in Wipro in Finland... Her cable only feeds in Winter olympics...

poor thing! :))

3:15 AM  
Anonymous dsylexic said...

i agree with the curling bit.

how dya turn pro in this sport?
become a maid?

skiing nordic or alpine however are something else. i reckon you dont get to ski much in the hellhole where you are stuck in.

skiing is the best freaking adrenalin pumping piece of sport if any exists .period
i am sure you luuurve F1 .doncha Injun software nerdddddddddddddd

4:02 AM  
Blogger Aparna said...

Vinod....
After reading your blog on winter olympics... I have to admit that I love your rather satirical sense of humor. Hoping to see the more serious side of u soon... waiting to see if you have one of that;)
BTW congrats for ur new ipod.... that particular article did keep me amused for quite a while! Gr8 goin!

9:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

:) Good stuff turkish delight!!

10:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very funny indeed.

I would like to differ with your thoughts. Yes, a few sports in the Winter Olympics are very boring and very stupid, but there are other disciplines in the WO, which make up for the other boirng ones. Sports like Speed Skating, Bobsleigh, Snowboarding etc are as interesting as a cricket or a football or a tennis.

10:04 PM  
Blogger King Julian said...

I found your blog through a link on someone else's. Absolutely amazing stuff - I'm going through and reading your archives now. I'm just worried that my sporadic bouts of laughter shouldn't disturb my officemates :)

8:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

u and ur posts are rockin'. especially u.

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Mike Styles said...

Powder, snow, trips and adventure chills at my new blog at www.skirebel.com

8:41 AM  
Blogger sudha_ciyer said...

Cheers for observing all the events. Wonder what your work is doin to you if u r able to broascast the event-by-event report ;)!

Of course need I say the other obvious blah blahs. Hilarious, Brillant, Cant stop reading !!

Fan,
Me

3:40 PM  

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