Mostly Thoughtless

Tam Brahm, thank you ma'am

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Read About Them

Recently I was wondering about the troubles of this world – about Kris Srikkanth, George Bush, Vijaykant, the Indian Idol contestants etc. when I realized that I knew so very little about the fascinating animal kingdom. So, in an effort to correct this, I decided to quickly brush up on my wildlife fundamentals.

And that’s when I realized that learning about animals is very difficult. Everybody who knows anything about the subject, like Maneka Gandhi, is an insufferable bore. This means that we are forced to turn to the National Geographic magazine, which, in order to increase circulation among perverted science geeks, now only publishes articles involving primitive tribes in South America who don’t wear any clothes. Seriously, they even have a ‘National Geographic TribesBabe of the Month’ feature (“In this month's issue: A stunner from the Kojoca tribe of Colombia goes fruit plucking in the forest while the Kojoca men pound their roots - page 43.”) and are currently discussing plans to come out with a desktop calendar.

Anyway, getting back to the point, I bet not too many of you know that it was a guy named Carolus Linnaeus who first classified animals into categories? Yes, it’s true. In Linnaeus' original scheme, the animals were divided into three kingdoms – Maurya, Chola and Rashtrakuta, and a number of classes – ‘cuddly’, ‘gross’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘edible’ which was further divided into the sub-classes ‘undercooked’, ‘rare’, ‘overdone’ and ‘burnt’. Because of the laziness of the scientists who followed Linnaeus, the number of classes have remained the same, except for one incident in 1953, when it was realised that microsopic intestinal blood-sucking parasites could not be classified under any of these heads. So they were separated and classified under a newly created class – ‘Indian Parliament’.

Among human beings, children are the ones who’re most interested in the animal kingdom. As any parent would be able to tell you, children are fascinated by any kind of animal. This is only because without animals, they wouldn’t have any funny cartoons to watch. When I was a kid, we once visited the zoo as a class excursion and I remember how we learnt so many interesting facts about animals that day, such as the fact that you have to take a deep breath and hold it in whenever you approach one of the cages because otherwise, you run the risk of suffering a coronary disorder as a result of the incredible stink emanating from it. The kids of today, on the other hand, don’t have that kind of learning opportunity because they go to amusement parks where, for a nominal entry fee of just Rs.5346, you get to experience amusing rides like the ‘Rainbow’, which offers you the unparalleled thrill of throwing up violently on the person in front of you.

Anyway, considering this critical lack of wildlife information in the world today, I’ve decided to write a book about the wonders of the animal kingdom, which, I hope, will help you make an informed decision during the next general elections. And I’ve decided to offer all of you a sneak preview of this surefire bestseller. So, without further ado, let’s start off with...


The Aardvark (Firstus animalus) - a large mammal native to Africa, its only claim to fame is that it’s the first animal in the standard English Dictionary. Initially, this animal was called an Armadillo but later changed its name according to numerology, following which it has landed a role in Ekta Kapoor’s latest show. The Aardvark is the only surviving member of the family Orycteropodidae and of the order Tubulidentata. As a result of this, Aardvarks frequently suffer fatal brain haemorrhages while filling in their ration card application forms.

The Blue Whale (Marlon brandus) - Any numbskull who insists that swimming is a good form of exercise should take a good look at the Blue Whale, which is generally grey in colour. A marine mammal, it is most famous for being the correct answer to the quiz question “Which is the largest mammal in the world?” However, that is an urban legend and quite far from the truth. The largest mammal in the world is Bappi Lahri, who claimed the title after the untimely demise of actor Marlon Brando. Another notable characteristic of the whale is that it has an aperture called the ‘blowhole’ for breathing, and we’re sure, for other purposes when they’re feeling particularly kinky at night. The males of the species are known to spend to spend their time drinking beer and polishing their blowholes while the females spend most of their time in slimming health clinics.

The Giraffe (Longus neckus) is an exotic multi-talented creature that is famous for having an incredibly long neck. After spending many illustrious years in circuses and town fairs, the giraffe family‘s good name was tarnished when a young female giraffe’s honeymoon video got leaked on the internet and was even aired on the Discovery Channel. However, Hollywood movie makers were impressed and offered the young giraffe its first major movie breakthrough in the highly acclaimed 1974 classic ‘Deep Throat II: Whoooooosh… gulpp’, a film that is considered by critics to be the greatest achievement in bestiality since ‘Brokeback Mountain Goat’ and ‘Forest Hump’.

The Cow (Aavin pasumpaalus) – These creatures were originally classified by Carolus Linnaeus under ‘edible’, shortly before he was lynched to death by Hindu fundamentalist fanatics. Though revered and respected by a majority of the Indian population, the cow and its close relative Ox, are quite unpopular among second standard school students because of their irregular plural forms. All members of the cow family are generally quiet, peaceful and underachieving except for the Bull, a famous basketball player from Chicago whose career came to an unfortunate end when the team changed to red uniforms and he fouled out after goring his own team mates. This was also the first known case of mad cow disease. Cows are also famous for their highly efficient stomach, which has four compartments (‘S1’, ‘S2’, ‘A1’ and ‘Tatkal’) which use the assembly line method to produce milk packets. These packets can be obtained for human consumption using the singing technique pioneered by Ramarajan in a number of films.

The Anaconda (Snakus constipatus) – These creatures, quite strangely, don’t have butts and this is the reason they look so constipated all the time. No one notices this, however, because anacondas don’t have faces either. Neither do they have arms, legs or any kind of reproductive organs. As a result, they’re sexually frustrated all the time and tend to hug anyone who dares to come near them. This has lead to a bad public image which wasn’t helped by the two supremely crappy movies were made using its name. Furthermore, due to the lack of butt, anacondas become larger as they age due to the interior accumulation of faeces. By the time they’re old, they’re so full of shit that young anacondas send them away to live in old age homes.


So, people, I have no doubt that you have now realized how diverse and interesting the animal world can be and I’m sure all of you are dying to find out more. Don’t fret, for my book will hit the stands soon. Till then, however, you can buy the latest issue of National Geographic Magazine, and turn to page 43.

75 Comments:

Anonymous squid said...

lol!!!

can i pls have the first copy of ur book, make that autographed first copy!

and have u heard of the star attraction among Camels? Hump free Bogart! :-S

Very informative post stud, i feel so learned already.

and how come u didnt feature Squid?? :(

12:51 PM  
Blogger Neodawn said...

Damn Funny!!!

1:48 PM  
Blogger Rohit said...

Hi, I recently discovered your blog and find it extremely entertaining. I have spent most of today and yesterday reading your previous posts. Truly hilarious !! Keep it coming.

1:57 PM  
Blogger Nandan said...

Too funny da. Very close to your beast oops best. If only scientific names were as much fun as these. Over all a brilliant post.

2:06 PM  
Blogger Ramanujam said...

colour illustrations required where ever possible!!!
page 43-super...
With u gaining more expertise about beasts leaving aside Menaka gandhi u will be the strongest contender 4 writing "hitchhiker's guide to bestiality...."
reference : that camel stuff above and reminded me the story of how a woman was cursed into a double humped camel!!!

7:21 PM  
Anonymous Just Mohit said...

Can I have the first autographed copy of your book..please?! Willing to organise a (obviously rigged) auction for it!

Are you planning to include photographs of various animals (bappi-da, tom cruise, etc) as well?

8:16 PM  
Blogger Divya said...

Too Much!!!! LOL!!

9:06 PM  
Blogger jinxed.. said...

lauly i say..
i am in gratitude for giving laughter at the end of long frustrating workday

hilarious!!:)

9:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious. Will be checking your blog regularly now on. Keep them coming ...

-Me

11:15 PM  
Blogger Supremus said...

Oh man, what a laff riot!

"However, Hollywood movie makers were impressed and offered the young giraffe its first major movie breakthrough in the highly acclaimed 1974 classic ‘Deep Throat II: Whoooooosh… gulpp’, a film that is considered by critics to be the greatest achievement in bestiality since ‘Brokeback Mountain Goat’ and ‘Forest Hump’."

-- Jeez, this had me in splits for a while man!! man you are blessed with an awesome pen and sense of humor! Please keep inking such ones!!

Gosh!!

Suyog

11:30 PM  
Blogger Lone Crusader said...

Machi awesome da...vaaipey illa...cant stop laughing :)

1:02 AM  
Blogger alpha said...

Too funny man! will be back for more.

9:18 AM  
Anonymous manisha dave said...

Hilarious....as usual:)

9:24 AM  
Blogger Shruthi said...

That was absolutely hilarious! Literally ROFL!
Sigh - I should really keep up my decision not to read blogs at work - else posts like this one will land me in trouble.

10:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

great ! esp indian parliament!takes a bit to write on something seemingly boring as against oft written topics.btw ur expression of the stadium picture of u is out of the world and u r posting oftener.
v

10:46 AM  
Blogger Dhananjay Shettigar said...

Hi, Vinod.
Stumbled upon your blog quite recently. And have read through almost all your posts.
This post might go down as one of your best ever. Just too good!!!

10:57 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@squid
Squid has entire chapter dedicated to it, stud.. you'll have to buy the book for that!! :)

@neodawn
Thanks!

10:59 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@rohit
Thanks rohit.. do keep visiting!! :)

@nandan
Thanks man!! Good to see you've restarted blogging too!! :)

11:01 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@ramanujam
hahaha.. thanks da.. that would be an honour...

And I don't understand why everyone's talking about camels.. there were no camels in the post.. Guess everyone's confusing the giraffes for the camels.. just goes on to show what a necessity the book is!!! :)

11:03 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@just mohit
of course of course.. anyone who asks for it will get the first autographed copy.. :)

@divya
Thanks!!

11:04 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@jinxed..
thanks.. you were working on Sunday??? Poor you!!!

@me
Hey "you", thanks.. do keep coming back for more..

11:05 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@supremus
Yeah, "Brokeback Mountain Goat" was a classic.. they just don't make films like that anymore.. :)

@vishnu
Thanks machi!! :)

11:06 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@alpha
Thanks!! Please do..

@manisha
Thanks!!

@shruthi
Hahaha.. hope they don't!!

11:08 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@anon
hey "v", thanks again.. but are we like playing a word game here, where you reveal one letter at a time??

@dhananjay shettigar
Thanks!! :)

11:10 AM  
Blogger bharath said...

I am also asking for a autographed first copy. Given that u'll release the book during election time, all politicians will be caught in campaign. So, you can ask me to receive the first copy of ur book.

and yeah, sad that u dint include Elephants da. Atleast vijayakanth pathiyavadhu include panni irukkalaam.

PS: hope u know who this is

11:34 AM  
Blogger bharath said...

also dedicate a chapter to 'Road Runner' da. Very important for the book to have a good sales in US.

11:35 AM  
Blogger akshay said...

nice analogies man.. however you forgot to include the chandramukhi - anaconda connection.. (or was that a cross between an anaconda and cobra?)

12:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no word game there,just that v while u sift thro anons.and my identity is not imp at all bcos it will just mean 5 more letters leaving u to an enlightenment level just as before.i'll tell u wats interesting wat u just wrote not who i am

12:15 PM  
Blogger Gulam Hasan said...

LOL damn funny man u truly deserve the title "God of Blogging" which i had given to u :D
pls keep em comin

1:28 PM  
Anonymous Jk said...

Totally hilarious...ROTFL!!!

2:40 PM  
Blogger Manasi Subramaniam said...

I showed up here with one purpose in mind: vengeance. However, magnanimous and benevolent as I am, I have decided instead to ask you why you haven't included the Fraud in your alphabetical classification of animals, considering that that's what you are, and that's the creature you ought to know most about.

6:00 PM  
Blogger Jaya said...

^:)^ Hail the Blog Lord...ur just 2 good, and i cant even say LOL @ a particular sentence, cos i'd just paste back the whole post..

ROFL for a loooong time to come..

8:21 PM  
Blogger Sameera said...

oh MI GOD!!!!!!!

r u even a normal human being?

lol man..this is tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much

yeah pretty informative but just made me want to look forward to the book and im really kinda sad that there is no book coming :(((

" So they were separated and classified under a newly created class – ‘Indian Parliament’."
my fav line LOL

chalo time to advertise this post on yahoo messenger

take care and keep up the AWESOME work!!!

8:23 PM  
Blogger The optimist from utopia said...

Things I learnt from your post..
1. Bappi Lahiri is a mammal..
2. National geographic magazine is the most informative mag in the mag circuit with a great centerfold. Will subscribe for it.
Just out of curiosity, what is the scientific name of Bappi Lahiri??

8:31 PM  
Blogger Sheks said...

LOL :)
if bappi lahiri's the largest mammal in the world,what abt adnan sami?

9:15 PM  
Blogger Gounder Brownie said...

How about Marsupials? Didn't you know they are avials made with mango in Palakkad?

10:55 PM  
Blogger Sidin said...

Hilarious!!! Finally I find quality material to plagiarise...

Good show indeed!

11:50 PM  
Blogger pr!tz said...

LOL!!! VinD!!! this is was ticklish!!!!
:-D

12:45 AM  
Blogger _ð!®†ß¤¥ said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:17 AM  
Blogger _ð!®†ß¤¥ said...

KILLER!!!! Dude, IIt simply was awesome... and btw, in case u want to, can i know who your publisher is?? i'm gonna buy some of his stock rightaway, before the "release" of the "book"!!
And plz take care... so much laughter evoked fm so brilliant an article may cause, amongst the serious ailments, someone's "fun-fuse" to blow.. or laughing their guts out.. But,everything said,it would be a death worth it. So dude.. mind toning the humor up a notch???

2:20 AM  
Blogger A.G.Sudarshan said...

All hail! :)

2:46 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@bharath
Elephants and all, oru pargraph pathaadhu da.. and ya, first autographed copy to you too!! :)

@akshay
No akshay, that anaconda was a mental illusion due to the setting in of a special form of psychosis which can be treated only by revolutionary methods which you can think of only if you're a disciple of the Dr.Stanley from America..

8:45 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@v
Ok then!!

@gulam
Thanks man, will try to keep it as frequent as possible..

@jk
thanks!

8:46 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@manasi
Aare!! Agreee-er!! Strong!!

@jaya
hahaha.. thanks a ton!!

@sameera
No, I am an animal!! Second runner-up in the 'Largest Mammal' contest.. :)

8:48 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@the optimistfromutopia
See, everybody needs the wildlife knowledge..

@SHEKS
Adnan Sami is a marsupial.. Under his shirt, there's a pouch where he keeps his son, Adnan Samikutty.

8:49 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@Gounder
Refer comment above.

@Sidin
You're the God, dude!! All of us are mere pretenders.. But thanks, your comment means a lot to me!!

8:50 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@Pr!tz
Thanks a ton!! :)

@†h3 Fac3Smash3r
Thanks man.. my publisher is Charulatha Publications, Chennai.. the book will be called "Animals.. made easy"

8:53 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@a.g.sudharsan
Thanks!

8:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very good post. Couldn't stop laughing.. I've been following this blog for some time.. One thing I like about your blog is that the spelling and punctuation is almost always impeccable. Also like that you take the time to reply to all the comments, even if it is just "thanks" most of the time.. :) keep up the good work..

- Leela

10:35 AM  
Blogger Fiery Ice said...

Totally hilarious!!! Good Writing... I have been reading your blog quite a while now..Great sense of humour and wonderful writing skills... Keep up the good work...

11:37 AM  
Blogger Arvind Iyer said...

utna mazaa nahi aaya...

2:45 PM  
Blogger Myndfcukd said...

Is there a section on the little red ant?

2:59 PM  
Anonymous squid said...

stud im bored :(

7:48 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@leela
Thanks!! :)

@fire n ice
Thanks again!!

@Arvind
Ok dude, will try and do better next time..

9:00 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@theunlikelygenius
Yeah sure, why not..

@squid
So am I, stud!!

9:02 AM  
Blogger Vivek said...

Hey dude!

The best post to come out in a while.. Looks like wiki-species will be seeing more of you..

Was falling over laughing reading that in my cubicle. I wonder if the book has a chapter on the Cubicle-bound animals that we are.. :)

10:20 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@vivek
Thanks dude, and no da.. we cubicle dwellers are the lowest form of life.. and so not worthy to merit a mention..

3:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

too cool...

6:37 PM  
Anonymous Third Eye said...

Well, the reason I droppped by here was coz I read about ur blog in Pitch (latest issue). Congratulations on being shortlisted amongst the top 10 blogs in India!
Cheers!

1:34 PM  
Anonymous Akhi said...

On of the Top ten blogs in India??... the quality shows..congrats dude.The post, undoubtedly, is hilarious

3:07 PM  
Blogger Saima said...

You sure can write - really really well...Brilliant humour!

11:18 PM  
Blogger Saima said...

You sure can write - really really well. That's the best humour I've seen in a long time. I'm going to try and make you famous in Pakistan...:)

11:20 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@anonymous
Thanks!!

@third eye
Thanks a ton!! can you provide me the online link, if there is one, to that article?

8:39 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@akhi
Thanks a ton!! keep visiting!!

@Saima
Thanks!! Super to have a visitor from our neighbour!! Do keep visiting!! :)

8:40 AM  
Blogger Suze said...

Awesome stuff dude!!

1:28 PM  
Anonymous Humour all the way said...

anacondas do not have butts... but there is one man,,, on seeing him u wud cum to know WHAT IS BUTT!!!!!!!!

3:56 PM  
Anonymous jEDI said...

hehe.. very enlightening indeed! I think there's a larger mammal than Bappi and Brando out there! and its still alive. Whats more it can sing.
The call it Adnan "the" Sami.

Apparently just like the Aardvark there's an Aardwolf. equally interesting :P

jEDI

5:16 PM  
Anonymous Gellu said...

this is to much!!!!!....I CNT HANDLE THIS....IM ROLLING ON THE FLOOR!!!....ur amazing man.....

7:15 PM  
Anonymous raja the lion ;) said...

"they go to amusement parks where, for a nominal entry fee of just Rs.5346, you get to experience amusing rides"

"following which it has landed a role in Ekta Kapoor’s latest show. The Aardvark is the only surviving member of the family Orycteropodidae and of the order Tubulidentata. As a result of this, Aardvarks frequently suffer fatal brain haemorrhages while filling in their ration card application forms"

"The largest mammal in the world is Bappi Lahri"

"Aavin pasumpaalus"

"four compartments (‘S1’, ‘S2’, ‘A1’ and ‘Tatkal’) which use the assembly line method to produce milk packets. These packets can be obtained for human consumption using the singing technique pioneered by Ramarajan in a number of films."

spent all the energy i had laughing..could only sit up enough to highlight the lines that i thought simply rocked..in your words "kallakitenga stud"!!:)

10:38 AM  
Blogger Lioness said...

I sincerely hope the book does not land in some kid's hands...it would go on believe everything said in it!

4:15 PM  
Anonymous pallavi said...

hillarious!!

5:10 PM  
Blogger Bonda said...

Dude, Ur a complete genius! I've never read such amazing posts in my whole lyfe!! UR AMAZING!!

1:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

u stinking software engineers know nothing about zoology
vella vaa
irrukku unnakku
if u dont understand the above 2 sentences ..........go to hell

10:00 PM  
Blogger vish said...

What the hell was that !!!!
ROTFLHMS :))))

I cant stop laughing .Gosh..loved every word !

S1 S2 AC n tatkal !!
assembly line ? anaconda ? second standard ? bloddsucking parasites? rashtrakuta ?

You have a severe case of "flight of ideas " and arent we all glad !

*bows down*

12:02 PM  
Blogger Uttara said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

3:48 PM  

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