Mostly Thoughtless

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Blade Runner!!

It always strikes me as being ridiculous whenever people say that we’re letting technology take over our lives, and how people are getting lazier by the day because of all the advanced technology that makes their work easier. I just think that’s a huge load of crap. How can technology be bad when it obviously adds so much value to our lives? Scientists all around the world, everyday, are working their asses off to come up with some incredibly fascinating new technological innovation that’s sure to make a world of difference in your own life. Of course, when I talk about fascinating and incredibly useful technological innovations, I’m talking about the new Gillette Fusion, the revolutionary new razor with five, yes FIVE, blades.

Ok let me first put this fact in context. It all started a few years ago when Gillette, the company that gave us the guillotine, launched the revolutionary three-bladed razor ‘Mach-3’ (Austrian for “Blade-3”) and Schick, in response to that, came up with the even more revolutionary four-bladed razor ‘Quattro’ (Italian for “Where’s my chin?? It was right here, just a moment ago!!”). And now, Gillette, not to be outdone as the world’s leading manufacturer of grievous facial injury, has come out with a new much more revolutionary FIVE-bladed razor called the ‘Fusion’ (Norwegian for “Yes. One more blade.”) which is being advertised worldwide with the slogan: “Sleeping pills are for sissies. Real men use the new Gillette Fusion.”

Now, this entire saga is very depressing for me, personally. That’s because I’ve never been great shakes in the facial hair department. I’ve had a fascination with the concept ever since I was a kid when I used to creep up behind my grandfather and watch him shave. It was a riot. He’d know from the mirror that I was watching, so he’d keep making funny faces and grinning, leading me to think ‘Boy. Shaving must be fun. Old people are so lucky.’ And so, as I grew older, I kept waiting for that wonderful day when I’d finally get a chance to run a cold, sharp blade on my face. I even bought a razor, not one of these new-fangled murder weapons, a pre-historic one-bladed one, and stored it in a central location, to facilitate quick and easy access in case I woke up one morning looking like King Kong, or worse, T.Rajendherr.

But that morning took a long time coming. All the guys in my class, and even some of the girls, started shaving way before I showed any signs of facial growth activity. I would peer closely into the mirror everyday, to see if there was even one lone-hair sprouting out as a sign of encouragement but no, there seemed to be no hope. And then, the movie ‘Kaho Naa Pyar Hai’ came out and with it, Hrithik Roshan’s two day stubble became the ‘in’ thing among schoolboys. All around me, guys, my own friends, were walking around looking like ex-cons while my chin stubbornly remained a veritable Chernobyl. The situation was so bad that at one point of time, I even considered taking green and black sketch pens and painting dots all over my cheeks and chin. And it was just a cruel co-incidence that it was around the same time that I started liking girls, who of course only went for guys who had to shave every hour.

But I’m not sure that even these guys would find a use for the Gillette Fusion. I mean, why would anyone ever need five blades, except to shear sheep? What is the segment that Gillette is targeting, by introducing this razor? Are they looking at the tough Hollywood hero, who, when stranded for days in the middle of a jungle, would gladly wade into a lake and shave his face with a machete? Maybe they want him to switch over to the Fusion. Or maybe they’re looking at those Islamic terrorist groups, where a man’s beard length is directly proportional the number of international agencies that are looking for him? Maybe the Fusion is being positioned as the answer to all their disguising needs. Or maybe Gillette is just targeting the members of the Pakistan cricket team.

Coming back to how the subject of shaving makes me feel inadequate, have you seen any of the television commercials for razors, shaving creams, aftershaves and everything else associated with the subject facial hair? They always show men singlehandedly steering big boats, fighting wild animals, driving through the wilderness and generally being irresistible to women. And it’s always cowboys, lumberjacks and secret agents who are shown using these products. Why don’t they ever advertise with us software engineers? I mean, aren’t we men too? Don’t we have an equal right to be shown using these advanced technology products? The Old Spice guy might be able to survive giant tidal waves using only a surfboard, but can he write a java server page to dynamically display form elements? Just because we techies don’t count white water rafting among our weekend fun activities and prefer debugging to bull-fighting, does it necessarily mean that we lack male hormones?

So anyway, the point of this entire post is that we have to be very thankful for companies like Gillette, for coming out with these wonderful innovations and making our lives even more miserable than they already were. I’m almost a grown up now (except for my facial hair) and I realise that I have to accept my failings and accept this issue of shaving with a great deal of maturity and understanding of human genetics, but unfortunately I cannot. That’s why I’ve decided to take the ultimate decision and spare my fragile ego any further injury. Yes, that’s right, I’m going to commit suicide and that too, not like some pansy with sleeping pills. I’m going to do it like a real man. So will someone please hand me that Gillette Fusion.

54 Comments:

Anonymous Arjun said...

Don't know if you know about Gillette's lawsuit against Schick. Gillette claimed they had patented the 'progressive blades idea' and that Schick, by introducing the Quattro, had violated their intellectual property rights.

The game then turned pretty nasty, and I don't remember the exact outcome. But what I do remember is that Schick got back with another, definitely more entertaining, lawsuit. They said Gillette's slogan "The Best a Man Can Get" was completely misleading. In what way is it the best a man can get? Well, I agree :-)

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Aadisht Khanna said...

I demand acknowledgement!

12:02 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@arjun
lol... no, didn't know that!!!

@aadisht
Ok fine.. People, I knew about the Fusion only after a question that Aadisht had asked at a quiz in IIM-B a couple of weeks back..

Happy? :)

12:09 PM  
Blogger sunnyvijay said...

Hi Vinod,

thats really hilarious.

Moore`s law predicts 2200 transistors to a billiion in microprocessors, with razors you can easily say one day it would be gillette fifty blades, I hope you would be around to cover that :-))

12:14 PM  
Anonymous vijay said...

LOL

If one of these days, I die laughing reading one of your posts, you will hear from my lawyer.

U Rock!!

12:57 PM  
Blogger Vidya said...

great stuff.... !!! i guess youwont be around to read my comment now that u've decided to end ur life with a FIVE-Blade Lawnmower for male faces :P

5:05 PM  
Blogger Kartik Kannan said...

Good one Vinod.. How do u manage to come up with posts , all of which are hilarious ? :-)

6:10 PM  
Blogger Kartik Kannan said...

Hey Vinod, Try Checking some of the Video Clips of the India Pakistan series that I have posted on my blog.I just decided to test how the "youtube" things works..and it works beautifully like dream...putting all those theories of bandwith to rest.

6:13 PM  
Anonymous squid said...

oh and i thought u jus look clean shaven all the time... looks like that smooth as a baby's bottom look is all natural. perhaps its time for you to become the next lakme moisturiser model.

7:32 PM  
Blogger Gounder Brownie said...

Hohohoho. How come you took my Razor Questionnaire ages back...when I was trying to find out if anybody at all has heard about GLIDE razors??

Glide Razors.

ECHO

GLIDE RAZORS.

I think the guy who makes them bought himself a Gillette fusion and slit his own throat.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Gounder Brownie said...

P.S- How come you took my razor questionnaire when you apparently don't need to shave, that is???

8:00 PM  
Blogger sanchapanzo said...

Dude,

Me reminded of 'Vaigai Puyal' Vadivel's ottu mesai in a movie lately, in which he confesses that 'sandanamum manjalum saerthathanal.. no moushie or beard'!

Jolly good post!

8:43 PM  
Blogger Supremus said...

ROFLing stuff here.

Ever since I saw the Ad for this 5 blade razor debuting on Superbowl I have been laffing my ass off - I mean, how many blades will it go now! LOL - maybe Rajendar can use that many hehe!

I am not sure if you know this - but this is the pits - to counter Fusion, Schick is already coming out with guess what - a "6" blade razor which will provide "superior", "closest as can be" shave to males.

I am waiting to see that 6th blade one now hehe!!

Man awesome stuff here

Suyogs

10:17 PM  
Blogger Vetty Max said...

As usual another good one.

But how many ever razors Gilette comes up with, nothing as good as a shave with a single blade done in a saloon.

12:22 AM  
Blogger Sarita said...

LOL ...that was hilarious as always ...if they keep adding blades like that , one day it will be too heavy to even pick it up , let alone use it :-) ...then you can have the last laugh Vinod !!!

12:36 AM  
Blogger A.G.Sudarshan said...

and it wasn't just Mach 3 was it? it was Mach 3 turbo then Mach three blue red green pink... whtever!!

Marketing seems to be the easiest and most rewarding career option... hmmmm...

Keep them coming! :)

5:53 AM  
Blogger Harish said...

Brilliant!!
I guess they the number of blades is directly proportional to the profits they make.. boycott!!!

PS.
I had a long time grudge against them too, and en college-la bore adicha strike pannuvoma.. pazhagi pochu! :)

7:11 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@sunnyvijay
hahaha.. moore's law indeed!! That'll be the day!!! :)

@vijay
I'll hear from your lawyer?? Why, are you planning to leave something for me in your will??? :)

lol.. keep visiting!!

8:43 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@kartik
Hey karthik, thanks da.. and ya, will check them out soon!!

@vidya
Lawnmower is right!!

8:45 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@squid
Not all of your friends model for fairness creams and moisturisers!!! :)

@gounder
lol.. glide... that was hilarious!!

8:46 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@sanchapanzo
Which movie was this?? Haven't seen it... And thanks, man..

@Supremus
Thanks again Suyog.. and 6 blades?when are these guys going to give up???

8:48 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@vettymax
hehehe... true!!

@sarita
Lol.. let's hope that day comes very soon!!!

8:49 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@a.g.sudharshan
Ya ya them too.. yeah, marketing does seem to be immensely entertaining!!!

@harish
best idea ever!! Saavum varai unnaviradham...

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no u dont know me.am from pune now in hyd and after struggling with telugu for 13 yrs definitely need translations for ur tamil lines.bet a plastic welcome smile and a anguished look to sympathise with someones bowel movements ur posts r a welcome break.
and no generalisations and a reasonably decent language is an attraction.
so post oftener !

11:21 AM  
Blogger Kaushik said...

Mr. Vinod,

I have to say that I found your post ridiculing Gillette's new shaving wonder tool, the FUSION, extremely offensive.

Do you know how much hard work and research it takes to come up with a razor like the fusion? You keep hinting that because of its five blades it could be used for suicide, but did you know that most people who use blades to commit suicide need only one blade?

In any case, I'm sure you haven't used the Fusion yet, because if you have, you would immediately have deleted this post because of the immensely superior shave you get out of this.

It takes quite a lot of research and behind-the-scenes development to produce a razor with five blades. It's not as simple as you think. If it were, why didn't you come up with it yourself? Gillette is making millions of dollars with the Fusion because of the advanced technology behind it. They were the first to come out with a three-blade razor, and not they are the first to come out with a five-blade razor.

If your software industry progressed as well as the shaving industry did, then I would be... well, I would be using much better software.

Kaushik

P.S. That was a joke.

12:48 PM  
Blogger Preethi said...

lol ... i understand how u feel!! My bro went thru the same phase and he used to use a technique called 'cross shaving'(i.e. shavin in the opposite direction of hair growth) and claimed that it wud enable faster growth of facial hair!! LOL ...but all in vain! :)

5:30 PM  
Blogger Hari, Hari, Arbitrary said...

extremely hilarious post :-))

Not to mention the fact that all the dudes who keep shaving in the ads, are already clean-shaven, something that is probably not noticeable due to all the foam covering their faces!

The Irfan Pathan gillete vector plus ad is also way up there for being super corny. Would like to see you rip that to shreds too!

One place where Gillete could really give every other razor blade company a run for their money would be to introduce their acne-razor, for a small majority of Peter Pan-ish like me, who've not got out of puberty after getting into it!

7:09 PM  
Blogger Hari, Hari, Arbitrary said...

Peter Pan-ish "PEOPLE" like me. my mistake.

8:34 PM  
Blogger Sameera said...

hey vindy

thank god u posted finally!!!

nice one...very hilarious...nd musta take a lot from u to reveal ur secrets like this :p


damn that pic was funny t rajendharr

keep entertaining us
take care

10:27 PM  
Blogger Indian Bachelor said...

what i hate about these stupid ads is that the person using the blade is already CLEAN SHAVEN!!!!! if you really want to brag then take Ramdev Baba as your model and then lets see how things go!

another interesting thing is that just after shaving when this already clean shaven idiot is washing his face attractive woman crop up all of a sudden from no where and start touching his cheek in an orgasmic manner! what the hell?!?!!? is he married or is she the kaam-walli-bai ?

11:41 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@anonymous
ok, anon.. will try and post oftener..

@kaushik
hehehe..

@preethi
Interesting technique!!

9:10 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@pukeman
Which ad is that? I don't think I've seen it, but then irfan seems to be everywhere these days...

@sameera
Anyway, it was in the past!!! So what's the big deal in 'revealing' it??? :)

9:13 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@indian bachelor
Ramdev Baba??? hahahaha... very good point!!!

9:14 AM  
Blogger Hari, Hari, Arbitrary said...

the ad is the one where he keeps running to bowl, but since he's not shaved properly, his cheeks hurt and he is unable to complete his follow through.

But once he shaves with vector plus after being clean shaven three seconds before, he rips apart the batsman's stumps.

Some random ad which you will not miss in the India-Pak match telecast today.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Jughead said...

rip tickling one... sooper
-balaji

7:20 PM  
Blogger Manasi Subramaniam said...

Mine is the 36th comment on your post. Just thought I'd let you know.

10:19 PM  
Blogger pr!tz said...

LMAO!!!! As funny as your post may be.. VinD, this time, that pic of Rajenddhar did it for me!!! LOL!!! Its one in the morning and I am laughing like a maniac. Thanks to you!

Keep writing. I am your fan!

1:17 AM  
Blogger _ð!®†ß¤¥ said...

Killer!Absolutely killer, dude.The post,and also,by the sound of it,the product being ridiculed/advertised.
Following this blog for the last four posts.. And am a fan already.Have already risked my phone twice,during lectures,being caught in the effort of stiffling the laughs,while readin your archives using wap. U rock!!

3:01 AM  
Anonymous Hiren said...

Doesn't seem like a close shave, is it? When I was young, I too was desperate to shave but now the situation is normal; I hate it like everybody else. The other thing I like about Gilette is that its share price has really taken off very well in the mkt.

4:14 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@pukeman
lol.. must watch that ad!!!

@jughead
Thanks balaji!!

@manasi
Thanks Manasi!! Thanks a ton!! You have no idea how much that means to me...

8:46 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@pr!tz
Lol.. T.R does rock!! And thanks..

@Abhinav
hahaha.. thanks man, and be careful!!

@hiren
You have Gillette shares?? Well done man!! Now you'd better buy Schick, if that rumour about the six-bladed thing is true!! :)

8:48 AM  
Blogger antickpix said...

the next revolution in shaving technology will be..

The Gillette HairTrap.

26 serrated edges loaded onto two (yes, two!) 10 inch heads/jaws that split like an open bear trap (or a delicate tulip) and are spring loaded.

To banish hair, insert head between the jaws and trigger it. The jaws move in a hyperbolic arc, taking everything in its path with.

Get to the root of the problem.

First time a classmate of mine shaved (was a late bloomer..class 12), he use a black sketch to not dot, but actually draw a 'stache on his upper lip. Something like Alfred Molina in Dudley Do-Right. Was green by the end of the day.

10:13 AM  
Blogger akshay said...

think about this..
Will anyone buy the gillette fusion? Maybe a handful. There must be a few really narcissistic guys who might decide to splurge on an unnecessary luxury.
Will anyone buy the gillette fusion after having seen you in the ad?

12:06 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@akshay
First of all, i wasn't talking about the ad for the Fusion as such but mroe generically to the ads of the industry..

Second of all, I wasn't referring to myself but other hot engineers such as yourself!! :)

1:20 PM  
Anonymous Aadisht Khanna said...

Happy. Thank you. :)

2:20 PM  
Anonymous LApstrE said...

Hi dude,
Congratulation and Salutations on crossing the 1 lakh mark...

As far as the razor talk goes...

If the 3 blade gave u a perfect shave, y go for a 5 blade razor? Are they accepting the 3 blade razr dint perform enough? or was it that they just had too much money to pur into useless research.

Get real Gillette! I cant c a market for 5 blade razors coming anywhere in the future(Unless ah forget it!)..,

12:46 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@aadisht
:)

@lapstre
Thanks man.. and yeah..

10:36 AM  
Anonymous Raj C said...

Awesome man! you have a great sense of humour..

11:00 AM  
Anonymous jammy said...

Think we both have a similar style of writing. Agree with you that the razor race is never ending. WOnder why it takes five blades to give us that special close shave...because when our fathers were shaving...one blade was enough!

10:00 AM  
Blogger cloud9ine said...

okay...

why's everyone so against five blades.. You can actually rip the blades out and use them to clip your nails...

Actually, I haven't done this.. just kidding

9:31 AM  
Anonymous humour all the way said...

anacondas do not have butts... but there is one man,,, on seeing him u wud cum to know WHAT IS BUTT!!!!!!!!

3:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guess who already came out with a 6-blade razor?

The Korean company Dorco. (It's called PACE6.) They've got too many multi-blade razors and blades to keep track of. I get a headache wondering which blades are cross-compatible with which of their razors. I don't even want to know.

http://kor.dorco.co.kr/Front_eng/product/productA.asp

For myself, I'll stick with double edge, injector, and single edge.

The Vector is a repackaging of the Atra and Contour razors Gillette sold in the western world, and discontinued a few years ago. Originally, these razors had metal handles, then changed to plastic. The Vector is the same as the Atra, but the handle is just a different color.

And the Gillette 7 O'Clock PII is the same as the Trac II (or GII) that they no longer sell in the West.

12:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And Groucho Marx enhanced his moustache with greasepaint for his movies.

1:02 AM  
Blogger Charles J. said...

Perfume aftershave makes the difference

It is actually something else to use a good perfume aftershave, because this is a product that will enhance the best features in you, and of course, as you might know, our face is our personal presentation card, in other words, our face is the first thing that someone is always going to be looking at, and therefore you want to look as good as possible, and to have a clean shave you are going to need some extra products, and one of these extra products that really makes a difference is Perfume aftershave.

I say that this product makes a difference cause it is really something else what you get from this, in other words, there are many advantages, and trust me, you are going to be loving each and everyone of these differences. For example, when you buy a good Perfume aftershave you might want to start off with the smell, the scent of these products is really important, since the smell of a product like this is also going to be your smell, and trust me, that is a really important factor for whenever you want to not only look good, but to attract someone’s attention because of the way you smell. Other then that, you might like to learn about the benefits, good smell isn’t everything, so I advice you to look for a good Perfume aftershave that will also clear up you skin from dirtiness, this is to ensure that you are not going to be catching a nasty infection due to a cut, nor that you get an ugly rash which is a real common thing to happen to all of us that shave each day. And finally, get a Perfume aftershave that is also going to take good care of your skin, something that functions as a humectant, that is also going to be able to smooth your skin.

Do this and I assure you that the change is going to be significant, you are going to look better, with a real good shaved faced and also, with a magnificent scent women just adore. http://www.bestaftershaveformen.com

12:21 AM  

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