Rejoice, we must. Over, it finally is.
Yes, this series is as cult as cult can get, by which I mean that it’s the kind of series that is so fantastically complicated that there are millions of websites and fan clubs all over the world who meet very often to discuss what the hell is actually going on; the kind of series that allows its creators to make even more money off merchandise, books, action figures and video games; the kind of series that raises a number of questions in your mind, chief among them being: “Who came up with those names? Was he drunk?”
I’m not joking. I know that all fictional fantasy universes need to be filled with at least thirteen million characters who have colourful, complicated, impossible-to-remember names but even then, this series redefines the word ‘colourful’ and takes it to a new, highly deranged level. At the beginning of the series, the nomenclature was quite sane: Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca, Darth Vader, Han Solo and even Obi-Wan Kenobi were quite reasonable for a sci-fi series, especially a cult one. But as the series went on, it kept getting worse until finally, viewers had to watch characters named Mace Windu, Qui-Gon Jinn, Nute Gunray, Ki-Adi-Mundi and Tion Medon. And I seriously wonder what kind of demented parents would subject their bundle of joy to a name like Jar-Jar Binks.
But before we go any further, let me first summarise the entire series for you:
Spoiler warning: Plot or ending details do NOT follow simply because there is no plot.
Episodes I, II, and III show Anakin (pronounced ‘a-na-kin’) Skywalker's rise from a cute young kid who can’t act to a talented young Jedi (pronounced ‘jed-i’) who has something smelly right under his nose. Meanwhile, an evil Sith (pronounced ‘sith’) lord is orchestrating a conflict between the Galactic Republic and a separatist movement under the name Chancellor Palpatine (pronounced ‘pal-pat-een’), which is only marginally less silly than his real name Darth Sidious (pronounced ‘sid-e-us’). After the defeat of the separatists and the near-destruction of the Jedi, he declares himself Emperor of a new Galactic Empire. The series ends with Anakin’s eventual shift to the Dark Side of the Force as Darth Vader (pronounced ‘wade-der’), a highly constipated scuba-diver.
Episodes IV, V, and VI center on Anakin's son, Luke (pronounced ‘lew-k’) Skywalker. Luke joins the Rebel Alliance in its special-effects powered struggle to overthrow the evil Empire. He trains to become a Jedi (pronounc… oh no, we’ve done this in the previous paragraph) like his father, who he believes was killed by Darth Vader and like dad, he too ends up hamming big time. On the way, he meets smuggler Han Solo, an overgrown poodle named Chewbacca (pronounced ‘chew-back-ka’) and an obese cockroach named Jabba (pronounced ‘jab-ba’) the Hutt, not to mention C3PO, a little known actor who was previously seen as a stunt double for the Tin-Man in the ‘The Wizard of Oz’ and R2D2, a white post-box. Luke successfully resists efforts to turn him to the Dark Side and instead, turns his father back to the good side while the Rebel fleet uses some spectacular visual and sound effects to gain a decisive victory and end the war (pronounced ‘war’).
So, that’s the story of the entire Star Wars series which supposedly spans only two generations, but seems more like ten. Now, I know a lot of you who have sat through this cult trilogy and its cult prequel trilogy must be little confused by now. And I can only imagine the plight of the lucky souls who haven’t had to endure the torture. So, for the benefit of those of you who haven’t seen any of the movies, here are some highlights:
Star Wars Episode I : A Phantom Menace
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Hey kid, you’re very cute.
Qui-Gon Jinn: Yeah, you seem the kind of kid who will grow up to be a young man with brooding good looks who Natalie Portman can fall in love with.
Young Anakin: What is that supposed to mean, uncle-with-funny-name?
Qui-Gon Jinn: Two more sequels for us. Nothing for you.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Forgive me, Qui-Gon, but I think the kid was talking to me.
Qui-Gon Jinn: No way Obi-Wan, my name is definitely funnier.
Star Wars Episode II : Attack Of The Clones
Anakin Skywalker: What’s that smell?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: It’s probably your acting. It stinks.
Anakin Skywalker: When do I get to kiss Natalie Portman?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: As soon as all this computer-generated warfare involving millions of stupid looking robots is over.
Anakin Skywalker: Sigh… sniff sniff… eeyyuucckkk!
Natalie Portman: I have a bad feeling about this.
Star Wars Episode III : Revenge Of The Sith
Darth Sidious: Come and join me on the dark side.
Anakin Skywalker: Give me one good reason why I should.
Darth Sidious: Why one? I’ll give you three. Firstly, you get to be called ‘Darth’ which is waaaaay cooler than ‘Anakin’. Second, you get this funky black suit and mask which will hide the fact that you can’t really act and third, you lose your lame-ass voice and instead get James Earl Jones to speak for you. Now, how cool is that?
Anakin Skywalker: Awesome, dude!! Where do I sign up?
Darth Sidious: Hold on to your Wookiees, young Anakin. First you’ll have to fight a highly emotional battle with your mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi in a set that closely resembles the one used in the climactic sequence of ‘Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King’.
Anakin Skywalker: Dammit… ok fine, but what’s that smell again?
Star Wars Episode IV : A New Hope
Luke Skywalker: Why are we on the sets of Steven Spielberg’s ‘Gremlins’?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: No, that is Yoda, our grammatically challenged philosophy teacher.
Han Solo: That little green thing is your teacher???
Yoda: I look funny, do you think?
Everyone: We're sorry, Yoda sir, but we do.
Yoda: Then Jabba the Hutt, wait till you meet.
Han Solo: I have a bad feeling about this.
Star Wars Episode V : The Empire Strikes Back
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father.
Luke Skywalker: I know, pops.
Darth Vader: What? How? But the prequels haven’t been released yet!!
Luke Skywalker: I got the pirated DVD.
Darth Vader: Hmmm… I see, but is there anything that you want to ask me?
Luke Skywalker: Yeah, will you please sign my report card?
Darth Vader: I have a bad feeling about this.
Star Wars Episode VI : Return Of The Jedi
Yoda: Party all night, we must. Win the war, we have.
Audience: So does this mean that the series is finally over?
Yoda: Not entirely sure, we are.
Luke Skywalker: I have a bad feeling about this.