Life Is Beautiful
Ha ha, just kidding. I was, in fact, talking about the tsunami (pronounced 'tsunami') that killed thousands of people across a number of different countries. This tsunami was a result of the most devastating earthquake in the last 40 years, even worse than the one during the last Adnan Sami concert.
Anyway, coming to the point, I was scared shitless when my house started shaking on Sunday morning and in those few moments of terror, I realised that I had no clue whatsoever about what to do in case of a massive natural disaster. In the next few moments, I totally forgot about it. And then, sometime back, I remembered. So, I immediately went and did a lot of research on the subject. After many minutes of hard work, here, for your benefit, is a comprehensive guide that might help you survive the next major disaster. Let's call it 'Tsunami Survival made easy'.
Let's start off with a simple F.A.Q...
What is a tsunami?
A tsunami is a really large wave, or a really rad motorcycle, or a seafood speciality, or an Akira Kurosawa movie. It doesn't really matter because all Japanese names sound the same anyway.
What causes them?
Tsunamis are almost always caused by earthquakes. However, South Indian film-song sequences that involve heavy dancing also have been known to cause big tidal waves. It is in view of this danger that most songs are shot in other countries these days.
What do I do when a tsunami strikes?
It depends, really. If you're out swimming in the ocean, and you start to notice that the waves are getting really high, then you should get out of the water immediately and rush to the nearest TV set, to see if there are any Tsunamis predicted for your region. If there are, then you can go back to your swim. But on the other hand, if the genial weatherman predicts a nice, sunny day then you'd better get your soggy ass out of there fast.
Are TV weathermen always wrong?
What if I'm on land?
Well, if you live close to the beach, keep an eye on the swimmers. If they get out of the water and rush to the nearest TV set, start wearing your running shoes. If the swimmers get back in the water, take them off. Otherwise, join the swimmers in getting the hell away from the sea.
What if I have a car?
Good for you.
No, I mean, can I use it to escape from the sea?
Oh, that way... sure, you can use your car to get away. Just don't give a lift to any of the swimmers. You don't want to get your nice seats all sandy and smelling of salt.
What if I don't live near the ocean?
Hmmm... good question. Here's something you can do. If you look closely at the top right corner of your computer screen, you'll notice that there's a small square button with an X on it. Move your mouse pointer there and click once.
Do I need to stock up on food supplies?
Not really. After the tsunami strikes, all the seaside shops will, in all probability, be devastated. Wait for the seismic activity to die down. Then you can go and loot those shops for any products that are still intact. Remember to take your car. You can stuff a lot of things in it and go back for more.
What about bravery medals and stuff?
Yes, very pertinent question. A really prestigious bravery award will require you to have saved atleast a hundred people from sure death. Now, this is way out of reach for most of us mere mortals. The least we can hope for is a local Rotary Club medal for saving around ten people. Saving one or two will earn you a mention in Reader's Digest. This is completely useless because although millions of people subscribe to the magazine, only around three will end up reading it - you, and the two people you saved.
However, not to worry. I have discovered the one surefire way of getting you the medal you so richly deserve. Act smart. Save a dog, or a cow or something. Some Animal Lovers society will immediately spring into action and present you with a large award in a glittering ceremony.
Finally, what is the most important thing to remember?
Stay away from the beach. I cannot stress this point too much. Actually I can, but I won't. But stay the hell away from the ocean. It's a very dangerous place, especially when Tsunamis are around. Only seasoned (pun intended) journalists holding valid Press Club ID cards are allowed to stand near the beach and present live reports without being hit.
I sincerely hope that all the above tips will help you survive the next big Tidal Wave to strike your part of the world. Unfortunately, statistics show that 60% of the kids aged 11-14 in New Delhi have already lost their virginity. Now that doesn't apply here directly, but it is something that I've spent a lot of time thinking about.
The statistic that does apply is that most people are not likely to take any of this great advice seriously. That is because they don't visit my blog, and hence won't read it. So, the least you can do to ensure the safety of your community is to send them a link. Spread the knowledge. It could save lives!!!
And also, now that you've escaped the catastrophe, learn to value your life more. Live it to the fullest. Go watch a good movie, maybe 'Tsunami'. Feel the wind beat against your face as you tear down the road on your Tsunami. Go to the nearest restaurant and have a nice spicy Tsunami. Don't sweat for the small stuff. Enjoy life while it lasts. Have fun.
P.S: Pardon if you found the post insensitive. I hope you understand that that wasn't the intention.