Mostly Thoughtless

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Sunday, December 04, 2005

Pyarr, Kyarr and all that..

The city of Chennai is facing a crisis of massive proportions. For the last few weeks, it has been completely at the mercy of Mother Nature. The roads are all pot-holed and flooded, the poor have been rendered homeless, large parts of the city are without power, the electricity board’s telephone lines are busy and a cyclone named Baaz is now threatening to push the city into further confusion. This prolonged period of adversity has raised a number of troubling questions in the minds of the city’s people, chief among them being: Will we get to see any cricket in the India vs. Sri Lanka test match? Will Saurav Ganguly play? What kind of a name is Baaz? What does it even mean?

We will address those pressing issues shortly but before that, let me tell you what I look forward to the most during the rainy season: the TV weather reports. Seriously, they’re fascinating to watch, especially during the cyclone season. Throughout the rest of the year, the TV weathermen are under absolutely no pressure. They know that people are going to flip the channel after the sports news and so the weathermen could talk about their flatulence problems on the show and no one would give a damn. But during a cyclone season, it’s a whole new ball game. Suddenly, everyone wants to watch the weather report. My mom, who has never looked beyond Ekta Kapoor soaps for home entertainment, is suddenly talking about ‘low-pressure regions’ and ‘depressions’, which, to the best of my scientific knowledge, are two scientific terms.

Now, the weather man has absolutely no clue as to what these terms mean either and here he is, thrust into the limelight, standing in front of a large hazy map wearing his best suit, without the slightest clue as to what he’s talking about. But he has no reason to fear, because no one knows the meaning of those terms except fifth-standard science teachers, who rambled on and on about them while you were busy tugging at the pony-tails of the pretty girl sitting in front of you. But the weatherman doesn’t realize this. So, he launches into this complicated explanation about how a low-pressure region has risen over the Bay of Bengal and formed a depression, which is slowly moving towards your city and how, over the next two days, some parts of the city will receive heavy rainfall, unless they don’t, in which case, they will witness mild showers, failing which, the skies will definitely be overcast at least and in case that doesn’t happen either, it will be bright and sunny.

So, as you can see, reliable information, especially about the weather, is not easy to come by in this time of need and so, this blog, as eager as ever to serve its readers, has come up with an F.A.Q section which will hopefully answer all your queries to the best of its limited ability, failing which it will apologise. So, here goes…

What are cyclones?

From the weather reports on the various news channels which can afford good graphics, we have been able to gather that the cyclone is, technically, a bunch of wind that rotates. Though it strongly resembles a funnel when viewed from the side, extensive research has shown that the two are not related in any way.

Why are cyclones always accompanied by rain?

Good Question!! Well Done!! However, the answer is a highly complicated one, involving the use of various heavy-duty scientific terms such as ‘low-pressure’, ‘air-mass’, ‘cold front’, ‘Coriolis Effect’, ‘water cycle’ and ‘depression’. As we feel that the explanation will rob these terms of the intrigue usually associated with them, we have decided to skip it and leave you in the dark. Also, some weathermen may be reading this blog and God forbid they find out what the terms mean.

How and why are cyclones named?

As far as our region is concerned, the names are chosen from a list of suggestions from Bangladesh, India, Maldives, Myanmar, Oman, Pakistan, Sri Lanka and Thailand. ‘Baaz’, incidentally, was nominated by Oman. Everytime a storm occurs, a committee meets to pick out the stupidest name on the list. This is done in an an attempt to make the TV weather reports funnier

What’s the stupidest name that has been suggested for a cyclone?

Well, that honour goes to ‘Pyarr’, nominated by Myanmar (the artist formerly known as Burma) which also suggested ‘Kyarr’. However, on its way to the title, it had to fight off some serious competition from Pakistan, which came up with ‘Titli’ and ‘Bulbul’. Other noteworthy entries included ‘Khai-Muk’ (Thailand) and ‘Na-Nauk’ (Myanmar).

Why are the names so stupid?

They are suggested by meteorologists.

Are they really that stupid?

Yes they are, but we like them that way and we wouldn’t change them for the world. Cyclonic weather can be very dampening for the human spirit and in such trying times, we need the weathermen to entertain us, to bring some laughter into our homes.

Speaking of homes, why don’t we have power in them?

As always, the Government doesn’t want you to be even slightly happy. Therefore, it has decided to block access to the weather reports that would have cheered you up. The radio news reports are not half as fun because you don’t get to watch the clueless expression on the weatherman’s face as he gives you the forecast for Chennai while pointing somewhere near Belgium.

When will the power come back on?

In another two days, your emergency lamp’s battery will finally die out. You will then look for candles all over your house and finally manage to dig out a couple of scrawny, half-used ones that have been in your family since the partition. After these two have melted into nothingness, you will then step out into the unrelenting rain to go buy some more, only to find that no shop in your immediate vicinity has any candles left. In the course of time, however, you will find a store which has just one packet left and get into a violent fight with a stranger over who should get it. Finally, after winning the fight, when you step back inside the house dripping wet but warm within your heart with the knowledge that you have managed to procure the candles for your household, it is at that exact moment that the power will come back on.

So, what do we do till then?

Make small voodoo dolls of the TV weathermen and stick small pins into them. They will soon die of mysterious causes and then, we’ll really have some fun during the weather reports.

Why is that?

Now that Zee Sports has won the telecast rights for the cricket, the ‘Fair & Lovely Fourth Umpire’ team has been put on stand-by for the weather reports.

Really?? Yay!! But I wonder how that weather report will go…

Wait for my next post…

45 Comments:

Anonymous harsh said...

ROTFL.....THIS IS THE VINOD WE KNOW!!!!!!!!!!HILARIOUS

2:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good shot. vinod. here is a sure forecast. depression at ngm metoffice on reading your blog.vinod is likely to move- one day - from west to south east hiting the coast of chennai.cyclonic effect,katrina, baaz all wraped in one, when yu meet the metman ramanan at that time. good luck

4:46 PM  
Blogger Gounder Brownie said...

Dear Fellow,

What a pleasant surprise!! I just finished blogging on Baaz and thought I'd visit your blog [I was convinced it was quite dead] and here I find that the Fellows have yet again proved to be united in mind!!

What do you call an angry Cyclone?

Baazigrrr.

*teehhehehe*

6:43 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@harsh

Thanks, man!!! :)

@anonymous

Who's this ramanan dude?


@Gounder

Yay!! The Fellows do rock!!! :)

7:07 PM  
Anonymous squid said...

dai!!!! template mathiteye!!! chi now even your blog is black!

10:53 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@Squid

It's BLUE, woman!! Not Black..

I've heard that Squid have eyes the size of basketballs.. That's obviously not true...

5:41 AM  
Blogger Leon said...

As funny as ever.. :D

So now that you've done tsunamis and cyclones.. what's next? :p

PS: The previous template added a kind of uniqueness to your blog. Is there a specific reason behind the change?

7:01 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@leon

Thanks man.. and no, no specific reason.. Just wanted a new look...

8:35 AM  
Anonymous Paulie said...

Hehehe...blame it on the weatherman!! speaking of whom, I must confess that some of them have been competing for my "latest-crush" position.

Hilarious writeup. the new template is ok, very common actually.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Trinity Teal™ said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:11 PM  
Blogger Trinity Teal™ said...

lol. really funny stuff.
rib tickling faq's btw.
Thx 4 the gyaan.

3:12 PM  
Anonymous squid said...

balls to you!!!!
Its black... blue it seems. are u mad? do u have spots before ur eyes??? no wait thats jus ur new template...hahahah.. never mind

and SOME PEOPLE think its turquoise... im referring to the background colour gentlemen, not the font.

4:51 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@Paulie

Which channel is this dude? Do tell.. :)

@Trinity

Thanks!!

@Squid

Adjust your monitor settings, you pathetic sea creature...

7:59 PM  
Blogger Sameera said...

dude...been waiting a loooooong time for this..

good stuff but not vindy standard :-( which means u have to outdo ur self each time..

keep blogging..i wanna see urs on top of that blog street india too!!!

oh u have word verification on now is it..nice

8:58 PM  
Blogger Jaya said...

Too good...even if u think otherwise(we cant even imagine what ur standards must be like anyway...like Lara making just 150 instead of a double)..
LOL at the fifth standard kids tugging at pretty gals ponytails ..

Looking forward to MORE from u.. Hope the sucky work takes a break for a while..so we can entertain ourselves some more with some laugh riots!

8:59 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@Jaya and Sameera

Thanks a ton!! Will try to post more frequently..

11:19 AM  
Blogger Sharad said...

Hey, what happened to the old format da ?? good to see you back !

5:47 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Hey Sharad,

good to hear from you too..

Genrally wanted a change da... that's all..

8:25 PM  
Anonymous squid said...

err... i adjusted and it wasnt blue.. its green! :p

i want a shoutbox where i can freely fight with you..
this commenting thing is too much..

10:14 PM  
Blogger Supremus said...

ROFL ROFL!!!

Absolute beauty vinod - I was laught mao!!! Gosh too good!!!

LOL - man u should also seem "technically advanced" reports on american television - u are so right man - they have me in splits!!!

Superb man - keep writing such ones!!

Suyog

3:22 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@Squid

I recommend Shankara Nethralaya.

@Suyog,

Thanks a ton, man!! Will try.. Keep visiting... :)

8:48 AM  
Blogger Praveen said...

hehe...me also konja naal-a Met Dept-a targetting :D

9:50 AM  
Blogger Rainbow said...

Hey Vinod,
Funny stuff, da. Is your house flooded? My house had power all the time :)

12:03 PM  
Blogger Thulika - My pen said...

Natures fury or is it Weathermans folly..In the attempt to predict the moods and mood swings of mother nature, humanity has a long way to go...Nice Blog Vinod

12:31 PM  
Blogger Harish said...

where did haloscan go? :(

1:15 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@Praveen

Yay!! Eagerly awaiting that post..

@Rainbow

No, not flooded, but powerless for long periods... :(

@Thulika

Thanks!! And very true...

@Harish

Decided not to put it... redundancy!! ;)

3:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

baaz means eagle ,there was aslo a film named BAAZ- the bird in danger(karishma kapoor,dino)that cyclone washed away most of the ppls brains

11:38 PM  
Blogger theLastJedi said...

LOL!! That was good man.
Cyclone names..Sigh! they have always been a mystery to me too. Baaz really takes the cake!

Dont come across a "real" funny blog too often.. Would definitely come back for more.

jedi
P.S. Looking forward to the Fair and Lovely weather forcast :)

11:15 PM  
Blogger LApstrE said...

Hilarious!
Thought to check your blog after a reilly long time and i hit gold
ROTFL

1:42 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@Anonymous

'Baaz - The Bird In Danger'... hee hee, ya I remember...

@lastjedi

Thanks man!! Will try to post soon..

@lapstre

Thanks!! :)

9:07 AM  
Blogger Manasi Subramaniam said...

Fraud,

Very nice. Weather update: Fanoos will hit tomorrow. And you thought they couldn't come up with anything stupider than Baaz! :-)

9:24 PM  
Blogger vibha said...

jus visited ur post. funny.
i am thinking of applying for a job in met. dept.?

1:14 AM  
Blogger Sheks said...

ur hilarious best yet again!

seems u've been posted in chennai.congrats!

12:12 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@manasi

No I said they can come with worse... exhibit A: Titli
exhibit B: Bulbul

@Vibha

Thanks!!

@Sheks

Thanks man!! You didn't know that before?

8:49 PM  
Blogger Sheks said...

i didnt know tht b4.u'd quoted in one of ur posts tht u'll be "posted in bangalore or some other place,but definitely not chennai".

which branch---sholinganallur or mahindra city?and how was CAT'05?

10:00 PM  
Blogger Sudhir said...

Stud, Good one.

And I just realized, I have been unblogrolled in your new template.

How can you do that to me. You are my biggest contributor of incoming links on Blogshares...How can you. I will unleash T.R on you.lol

12:16 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

@sheks

Sholing da.. and CAT'05 went ok...

@Chuey

Oops! Sorry da, added now..

9:08 AM  
Blogger sthupit girl said...

super stuff!!!

'love it.

6:51 PM  
Blogger No Einstine HuH said...

Vinod...

TOO GOOD. Thanks to someone i got here and i am glad ...i have got a space to be regular at :D.

Shatter more keys...™
Pras

2:00 AM  
Blogger charuta said...

u r just awesome man!!! i fwded this link at my office & cld hear laughter in cubicles.just amazing!!!

2:58 PM  
Anonymous Lindsay Lohan said...

best

5:32 AM  
Anonymous Cat said...

best

5:33 AM  
Anonymous Lingeries said...

best

5:34 AM  
Anonymous Cruise said...

best

5:36 AM  
Anonymous Health said...

best

5:37 AM  

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