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Friday, June 17, 2005

Rejoice, we must. Over, it finally is.

A couple of weeks ago, I finally got to watch the new and final Star Wars movie, officially titled ‘Star Wars : Episode III - Revenge of the Sith’, but more affectionately known to movie-goers as ‘Star Wars : Movie VI, Prequel III, Henry VIII, Version 1.7 - Thank God! It’s finally over!’ Now I have to admit here that I’ve never really been a big fan of the cult saga but after watching this movie, the final installment of the series, I’ve come to realize that the entire six-part story can be summed up using just five words – a monumental waste of time.

Yes, this series is as cult as cult can get, by which I mean that it’s the kind of series that is so fantastically complicated that there are millions of websites and fan clubs all over the world who meet very often to discuss what the hell is actually going on; the kind of series that allows its creators to make even more money off merchandise, books, action figures and video games; the kind of series that raises a number of questions in your mind, chief among them being: “Who came up with those names? Was he drunk?”

I’m not joking. I know that all fictional fantasy universes need to be filled with at least thirteen million characters who have colourful, complicated, impossible-to-remember names but even then, this series redefines the word ‘colourful’ and takes it to a new, highly deranged level. At the beginning of the series, the nomenclature was quite sane: Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca, Darth Vader, Han Solo and even Obi-Wan Kenobi were quite reasonable for a sci-fi series, especially a cult one. But as the series went on, it kept getting worse until finally, viewers had to watch characters named Mace Windu, Qui-Gon Jinn, Nute Gunray, Ki-Adi-Mundi and Tion Medon. And I seriously wonder what kind of demented parents would subject their bundle of joy to a name like Jar-Jar Binks.

But before we go any further, let me first summarise the entire series for you:

Spoiler warning: Plot or ending details do NOT follow simply because there is no plot.

Episodes I, II, and III show Anakin (pronounced ‘a-na-kin’) Skywalker's rise from a cute young kid who can’t act to a talented young Jedi (pronounced ‘jed-i’) who has something smelly right under his nose. Meanwhile, an evil Sith (pronounced ‘sith’) lord is orchestrating a conflict between the Galactic Republic and a separatist movement under the name Chancellor Palpatine (pronounced ‘pal-pat-een’), which is only marginally less silly than his real name Darth Sidious (pronounced ‘sid-e-us’). After the defeat of the separatists and the near-destruction of the Jedi, he declares himself Emperor of a new Galactic Empire. The series ends with Anakin’s eventual shift to the Dark Side of the Force as Darth Vader (pronounced ‘wade-der’), a highly constipated scuba-diver.

Episodes IV, V, and VI center on Anakin's son, Luke (pronounced ‘lew-k’) Skywalker. Luke joins the Rebel Alliance in its special-effects powered struggle to overthrow the evil Empire. He trains to become a Jedi (pronounc… oh no, we’ve done this in the previous paragraph) like his father, who he believes was killed by Darth Vader and like dad, he too ends up hamming big time. On the way, he meets smuggler Han Solo, an overgrown poodle named Chewbacca (pronounced ‘chew-back-ka’) and an obese cockroach named Jabba (pronounced ‘jab-ba’) the Hutt, not to mention C3PO, a little known actor who was previously seen as a stunt double for the Tin-Man in the ‘The Wizard of Oz’ and R2D2, a white post-box. Luke successfully resists efforts to turn him to the Dark Side and instead, turns his father back to the good side while the Rebel fleet uses some spectacular visual and sound effects to gain a decisive victory and end the war (pronounced ‘war’).

So, that’s the story of the entire Star Wars series which supposedly spans only two generations, but seems more like ten. Now, I know a lot of you who have sat through this cult trilogy and its cult prequel trilogy must be little confused by now. And I can only imagine the plight of the lucky souls who haven’t had to endure the torture. So, for the benefit of those of you who haven’t seen any of the movies, here are some highlights:

Star Wars Episode I : A Phantom Menace

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Hey kid, you’re very cute.
Qui-Gon Jinn: Yeah, you seem the kind of kid who will grow up to be a young man with brooding good looks who Natalie Portman can fall in love with.
Young Anakin: What is that supposed to mean, uncle-with-funny-name?
Qui-Gon Jinn: Two more sequels for us. Nothing for you.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Forgive me, Qui-Gon, but I think the kid was talking to me.
Qui-Gon Jinn: No way Obi-Wan, my name is definitely funnier.

Star Wars Episode II : Attack Of The Clones

Anakin Skywalker: What’s that smell?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: It’s probably your acting. It stinks.
Anakin Skywalker: When do I get to kiss Natalie Portman?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: As soon as all this computer-generated warfare involving millions of stupid looking robots is over.
Anakin Skywalker: Sigh… sniff sniff… eeyyuucckkk!
Natalie Portman: I have a bad feeling about this.

Star Wars Episode III : Revenge Of The Sith

Darth Sidious: Come and join me on the dark side.
Anakin Skywalker: Give me one good reason why I should.
Darth Sidious: Why one? I’ll give you three. Firstly, you get to be called ‘Darth’ which is waaaaay cooler than ‘Anakin’. Second, you get this funky black suit and mask which will hide the fact that you can’t really act and third, you lose your lame-ass voice and instead get James Earl Jones to speak for you. Now, how cool is that?
Anakin Skywalker: Awesome, dude!! Where do I sign up?
Darth Sidious: Hold on to your Wookiees, young Anakin. First you’ll have to fight a highly emotional battle with your mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi in a set that closely resembles the one used in the climactic sequence of ‘Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King’.
Anakin Skywalker: Dammit… ok fine, but what’s that smell again?

Star Wars Episode IV : A New Hope

Luke Skywalker: Why are we on the sets of Steven Spielberg’s ‘Gremlins’?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: No, that is Yoda, our grammatically challenged philosophy teacher.
Han Solo: That little green thing is your teacher???
Yoda: I look funny, do you think?
Everyone: We're sorry, Yoda sir, but we do.
Yoda: Then Jabba the Hutt, wait till you meet.
Han Solo: I have a bad feeling about this.

Star Wars Episode V : The Empire Strikes Back

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father.
Luke Skywalker: I know, pops.
Darth Vader: What? How? But the prequels haven’t been released yet!!
Luke Skywalker: I got the pirated DVD.
Darth Vader: Hmmm… I see, but is there anything that you want to ask me?
Luke Skywalker: Yeah, will you please sign my report card?
Darth Vader: I have a bad feeling about this.

Star Wars Episode VI : Return Of The Jedi

Yoda: Party all night, we must. Win the war, we have.
Audience: So does this mean that the series is finally over?
Yoda: Not entirely sure, we are.
Luke Skywalker: I have a bad feeling about this.
Audience: Groooaaaannnn…..


Blogger Anshumani said...

dude ... be very careful man ... diehard fans out there of the series ... including me ... good post though

2:04 PM  
Blogger akshay said...

Star Wars Fans vs Vinod
Fans : Dude! How Dare You!
Vinod : mmmm, angry you are! Not my fault it is.
Fans : Ah well! Dodge this! (momemtary flash of light saber)
Vinod : _____________
Fans : Fought well, you have!

3:21 PM  
Anonymous Sumo said...

You have gone over to the Dark Side. I understand it is so that you can give in to your passions etc. Have a nice time there.

4:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny, it was but careful, you be coz classics, they are and hurt u they will.

5:34 PM  
Blogger Mukunth said...

My thoughts...your words! For a more concise edition you may also look at
Why do you want to watch a movie when people are fighting with a tubelight(TM)?!:)

6:58 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Anshumani and Anonymous, thanks and yup, careful, I will be!!!

7:01 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Akshay, angry, please don't be!!!

7:02 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Sumo, lol!!!

7:02 PM  
Blogger Sarita said...

I would rather die than watch these 'cult sagas'...too painful ..but ur post was hilarious, maybe you can make a 'parody picture' ..I have a real good feeling about that ;-)
and oh ...btw 'HI'...dropped in from Orkut...ur phunneeee :-D

8:33 PM  
Anonymous squid said...

yay!!! yay!!!! yay!!! one reason to perhaps think vinod is sane yet!

i cant stand star wars either...and that stupid princess female's hair which looks like she stuck somethin to her head from Hot Breads!

10:59 PM  
Blogger karan said...

Interesting post, this is an.
I've caught only two of the movies, and didn't torture myself with the rest, so I'll take that guide to the series to be an accurate synopsis:-)
Force be with you, may the

11:22 PM  
Blogger Lost in trance... said...

Nothing but the hype , it iz. I wanted to be in the same room as where these phunny names were decided !!!

6:04 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Hey Sarita, thanks a ton! :) Keep visiting!

7:21 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Squid, yay! But what would you know about Hot Breads? Do you eat at all? ;)

7:22 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Ha Ha Ha Karan,

Thank you a lot, I do. :)

7:27 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Lost in Trance, yeah, I would've loved that too!!!

7:28 AM  
Anonymous squid said...

if i dont eat its cuz u get there before me. ;)

10:16 AM  
Anonymous ram said...

laugh for laugh, your funniest post so far man, ROTFL...

10:42 AM  
Blogger aarabi veeraraghavan said...

It that dares insult yoda heaps ill luck of the worst kind upon its piddly head. It(here denoting the illest luck of the illest kind)includes a life ban from seeing all vijaykanth, ramarajan AND rajkiran movies. Anyway I know you’re fibbing. Ok let me rephrase that. YOU JOLLY WELL BE FIBBING.

5:35 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Ram, thanks and Aarabi, in that case, yes, I am fibbing!!! :D

9:16 PM  
Blogger P said...

hey vinod:

Just wondering. didja like LOTR? ( movies and book)

Nice post man. havent watched a single movie and dont intend to.

10:03 PM  
Blogger Hari said...

Nice post. Wonder why u didn't like the series though... it was great fun da.

5:25 PM  
Blogger The Man Who Wasnt There said...

Needless to say you will earn the wrath of many "Star WAR" fans (me watched one of the old ones so long ago that I needed my grandfather to tell me what "astronomy" was all about...and yeah those were the days of "original" VHS tapes!!) Anyway not really sure how much authentic even this parody wa sbut surely anything with Natalie Portman is more than worth a watch?;) All said and done a nice post to bring the smiles back...and I only wish you have unrestricted net access in Hexaware!;) Can already imagine the kind of posts you are going to write up on the "software industry"!! the irony is you will be the protagonist in it!;)

4:40 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Hey Prashanth, thanks man... and LOTR, I liked the books but think the movies are waaaaay more fun!!!

5:04 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Hari, thanks da and I'm very surprised so many people are agreeing with me here... I expected more opposition. :)

5:08 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Hahaha Girish point, Natalie Portman is gorgeous... and ya, I hope I have unrestricted net access too... otherwise, it'll be quite a bore...

5:09 PM  
Blogger Neon said...

I really liked the revenge of the sith, but there was quite a lot of corny dialogue in the movie. Like when Anakin says, "If you're not with me, you're my enemy!" and ofcourse the corniest dialogue of all, "May The Force Be With You". Reaction of Vader at the end is awesome, NOOOOOOO!
Nice post!

5:18 PM  
Blogger Kaushik said...

I Love Star Wars!

I think it's one of the most imaginative movies in terms of entirely new concepts. I mean, take for example the lightsaber, and thousands of other small features that the universe of the movie has created. I really think that despite all its faults, it has created a revolution. And it certainly does appeal to its audiences. You don't get a cult following out of nothing. There have been hundreds and thousands of Sci-fi movies, but Star Wars certainly stands out from the rest.
(Speaking of Sci-Fi, I loved "The Fly" Disgustingly delighting.)

Anyway, however entertaining Vinod's post may have been, and however convincing (I was certainly entertained), I shall stand by the Star Wars saga and The Force Will Be With Me.

And May the Force be with you all

P.S. Ever notice Yoda never says "The Force, may it be with you"?

8:32 PM  
Blogger Siddhu said...

This post was like vintage wine to a vintner - or should that be connosieur? Have i spelt connosieur right?

Well, to put it succintly, hilarious, dude!

8:53 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Neon, how about, after Obi-Wan cuts leaves him to die, when Anakin goes, "I HATE YOU!" lol...

And thanks!!

9:27 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Hey Kaushik, thanks man!

And of course you should stand by your opinion. This is only a matter of taste. I love 'Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge' and get ridiculed almost everyday by my friends for it, but that won't stop me liking it!!!

And may the force be with you too!!

9:31 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Siddhu, thanks dude and from your comment, I take it that you don't think too much of the movies either?

9:32 AM  
Blogger Prashanth said...

Better watch your back... one day there might be a lightsaber in it :p

This is the other Prashanth, btw.

11:20 AM  
Blogger Sudhir said...

Great Post dude. But What I can't understand is, How is that you can't stand Star Wars ( which is perfectly acceptable) but on the other hand are such a great fan of Lord of the Rings???

I will take the rings to Modor, or is it Condor. Its worse than Star Wars if u ask me...Or maybe I shld read the book.. How long is it again?

10:54 PM  
Blogger Surinder said...

whoa .. this is some post .. and that too such descriptive mauling of the series :) ..

have seen all the 6 movies now .. but i'm not any die hard fan .. (just got them on dvd .. ) .. i admire the work that was done back in 1977 ..

the latest series was a waste .. yups .. but he made those just to earn more money :) ..

wasted you have , 150 rs , i think .. :)

but a very good post :)

12:48 AM  
Anonymous Kaushik K said...

Hi Vinod,

Awesome post yet again!!! I only recently watched the first two of the newer trilogy.

Hey, you seem to have some damn fantastic quality that keeps your writing rocking good inspite of a tad monotony in them!!!

Still waiting for your serious post!!

-kaushik k
(The one you have known longer!!! For I see another one in your comments!)

2:58 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Sudhir, good point... I donno myself... maybe after the tedium of the books, i found the movies refreshing...

11:54 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Et tu Prashanth?

11:56 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Hey Surinder, thanks man! And ya, waste of money, it was.

11:59 AM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Hey Kaushik, i'm very hurt. :) What do you mean by the monotony bit? Anything I can work on, maybe?

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Kaushik K said...

Hey Vinod, I did not mean anything crtical! What I meant what was that it is pretty well known that your writing is going to be humourous, yet you do not fail to keep your readers (at least me) well entertained. Probably, monotony took a negative connotation, but that is not what I intended!!!

Anyways, my request fo a serious natured post stands!!!

10:18 PM  
Blogger JD said...

Hehe... 42nd comment... Good post this time... I haven't seen the movies myself, as I wasn't able to sit through the first 10 minutes of one of them which I tried watching... And now, I don't think it's really worth it either...

And I've linked, from my blog, to the blog about Captain you wrote... It was damn funny... Just wanted to know this... Did you make up that part about the origin of his name or was it really that way?

2:00 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Kaushik, lol and thanks! but why do you want a serious post?

12:44 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Deepak, thanks, glad you liked this one! And that part about his name was made up only!! :)

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Arj said...

kool post dude... u made a die-hard sith lord laugh... awesome... ever thought of sellin this spoof to mad??

2:06 PM  
Blogger Balaji said...

came here from mav's link. very funny post and great sense of humor. Enjoyed reading it though I loved Revenge of the Sith :-)

9:17 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

Arj and Balaji, thanks a ton!!! And keep visiting!! :)

9:19 AM  
Blogger Kaushik said...

I agree with arj. I think Vinod should really consider writing for MAD Magazine. He'll be fantastic as one of the "Usual Gang of Idiots".
Kaushik V (Not the one you have known for longer)

4:36 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

That is right!! I am an idiot!! :)

10:01 PM  
Blogger Vinod said...

And I'm really sorry, but I just can't resist.... comment #50!!!! :D

10:02 PM  
Blogger anantha said...

dude.. u promised to post qns from the QFI quiz :(

4:07 AM  
Blogger wookie said...

very still laughing LOL

5:27 AM  
Blogger alena said...

Hey, I have enjoyed...your blog is informative - even entertaining.

I have a halloween sites. They pretty much covers costumes and masks related stuff.

Thanks again and I'll be sure to bookmark you.

8:02 AM  
Blogger nope said...


I'm sorry for being intrusive in to your blog. But I am Melissa and I am a mother of two that is just trying to get out of an incredible financial debt. See my hubby is away in Iraq trying to protect this great country that we live in, and I am at home with our two kids telling bill collectors please be patiant. When my husband returns from war we will beable to catch up on our payments. We have already had are 2001 Ford repossessed from the bank, and are now down to a 83 buick that is rusted from front to back and the heater don't work, and tire tax is due in November.

I'm not asking for your pitty because we got our ownselfs into this mess but we would love you and thank you in our prayers if you would just keep this link on your blog for others to view.

God Bless You.

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7:11 PM  
Blogger Connor Wilson said...

Every year my son Dylan and I have been building our Halloween animatronic display. This year we added 12 new figures and my wife had been making the clothes etc. but then I clued in that Halloween Costumes were the ideal solution - ya, ok I'm slow but...This year is really cool because we've done an HP Lovecraft display that I'm sure he'd appreciate but I'm not so sure he'd approve of this - The Necronomicon - Is it just me or is that just plain goofy ? Anyway, everybody is doing their own Haunted House thing now but hey - it's fun and if you've got kids I really suggest you try it yourself if you haven't already. It's a nice change from the usual Christmas Lights routine and a lot of scaaarrry fun. Happy Halloween everybody.

9:07 PM  
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11:17 AM  
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7:47 PM  

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