2004 : A Series Of Unfortunate Events
2004 was, by any standards, a very remarkable year. So, I will make some remarks on it…
Disclaimer: None of the dates in the following article have been verified. They’re just there to hold the piece together. If any of them are correct, let me assure you that it is purely by accident. And while we’re on the subject, I might as well tell you that none of the facts have been verified either.
January
2004 was rung in with great merriment all over the world, except in Andhra Pradesh, where they rang in 1954 instead.
The war in Iraq continues to make headlines for the 23rd straight year. The military action reaches a fiery zenith when U.S marines storm the city of Fallujah in search of resistance leader Abu al-Zarqawi. He had to be eliminated immediately because President Bush was having trouble pronouncing his name.
Model Lakshmi Pandit wins the title of Miss India-World but is soon stripped of her crown after it is found that she was secretly married to Siddharth Mishra.
February
In what is undoubtedly the top news story of the year, two students of DPS RK Puram make a pornographic video clip. Within days, the fast-spreading clip reaches almost all the countries in the world and is apparently still spreading. According to latest reports, it has reached all the way to the deepest crater of Uranus.
An IIT student who tries to sell the clip on a popular Indian auction site is arrested. Mr. Avnish Bajaj, the CEO of the site, is also arrested.
Priyamvada Birla dies after seeing the clip, and in her will, leaves Rs.5000 crore worth of assets to her auditor R.S.Lodha. The rest of the Birla family is understandably miffed at the will, because it contained no information on where the clip was stored.
March
Zaheera Sheikh, the key witness in the Best Bakery case, turns hostile in her last hearing. She denies having seen the accused murdering her family members.
The 76th Academy Awards ceremony is held at the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles. 'The Lord Of The Rings : The Return Of The King', the final installment of the trilogy, wins a record-equalling 11 Oscar Awards. The cast and crew are delighted. Zaheera Sheikh says she loved the movie.
Soon, however, things turn horribly sour. All the 11 Oscars are taken back as it is discovered that the movie was secretly married to Siddharth Mishra. The cast and crew are disappointed. Zaheera Sheikh immediately denies having ever seen the movie.
April
A series of photos emerge showing US Forces allegedly abusing Iraqi detainees at the Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad. The graphic images show naked prisoners being terrorized with dogs and being forced to stimulate sexual acts. The soldiers were also tortured by being made to listen to Kris Srikkanth's Hindi commentary.
An IIT student tries selling the photos on a popular auction site. CEO Avnish Bajaj is immediately arrested.
Chechen separatists take a Beslan school with over 1,200 children and staff hostage. When the 53-hour Beslan siege finally ends, 350 children lie dead and 530 are injured. The rest are in the auditorium watching two eleventh-graders make out. Both are exchange students from India.
May
Ace American cyclist Lance Armstrong wins the Tour de France for the sixth consecutive year, cementing his place as one of the greatest athletes of all time. Frustrated officials announce that from 2005, the Tour De France will be held in Austin, Texas
The Indian Parliamentary Elections, the largest democratic exercise in the world, begin. It makes headlines all over the world, except in India, where it is pushed to Page 17. The front page carries news of the BCCI elections.
Sonia Gandhi leads the Congress party to a surprise victory over the incumbent BJP. She turns down the post of PM in dramatic fashion. It falls to unassuming and uncontroversial Manmohan Singh. His first action as the new Prime Minister of India is to pass a new law banning all forms of Sardarji jokes.
June
At Super Bowl XXXVIII, the biggest television event of the year, during the half-time show, Janet Jackson is performing on stage with Justin Timberlake when the latter accidentally rips off a part of her top. Her right breast is exposed for exactly 1/43000th of a second on National Television for the entire country to see.
The entire world is in an uproar and journalists all over the world rack their imagination to come up with a really innovative name for the scandal - Nipplegate. Bush misses it as he is too busy watching Pogo at that time. However, he vows to 'get to the bottom of it very soon'. The US Police swing into action. Avnish Bajaj is immediately arrested. The event is renamed Super Bowl XXX.
Meanwhile, in neighbouring Pakistan, scientist Abdul Qadeer Khan confesses to having transferred Nuclear Technology to Iran and Libya. Further investigations into the matter revealed that Khan was also instrumental in taking the wheel to Canada and teaching the Sri Lankans to make fire.
July
Edvard Munch’s iconic painting ‘The Scream’ is stolen by armed robbers in front of stunned visitors from the Munch Museum in Norway. The museum says that the stolen painting was worth an estimated 12m pounds. It speaks with a stutter.
Norwegian Culture Minister Valgerd Svastad Hauuglard says that the theft is 'Kaaaurghaard and Djaaulstaard', the Norwegian words for 'dreadful and shocking'. Avnish Bajaj is immediately arrested.
Former U.S President Bill Clinton releases his much awaited autobiography 'My Life' which turns out to be 876 million pages long. The critics are surprisingly quiet but that is probably because they are still reading the preface.
Meanwhile, in sporting news, Serena Williams wins the Wimbledon Women's Singles Title, but is disqualified because her name does not end in 'ova'.
August
Elusive forest brigand Veerappan is shot in the head by the special task force of the Tamil Nadu Police. In his will, the infamous bandit leaves behind 450,000 tons of sandalwood for R.S.Lodha.
The Olympics get underway in Athens, Greece with a spectacular opening ceremony. The Indian contingent exceeds all expectations by reaching the venue on time for the parade, and holding the flag the right side up.
In Samastipur, Bihar, 75 year-old Rukia Devi commits suicide by jumping into the funeral pyre of her husband Raghu (90). The Indian Olympic Committee is thrown into a state of gloom as she was India’s main medal prospect in the High Jump.
India’s biggest medal-hope Anju Bobby George disappoints, finishing a lowly sixth in the Long Jump. The Indian Government decides to reward her by awarding her the Rajiv Gandhi Khel Ratna, the highest sporting honour in the country.
Meanwhile, out of the blue, Major Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore does the nation proud by winning the silver medal in the Double Trap Shooting event. This leads to some initial confusion as Sunil Dutt, the Sports Minister doesn’t know what Double Trap Shooting was, but it didn’t matter in the end as no one else on the planet had the faintest idea. The Government rewards Rathore by mailing him the DPS video.
September
India's first lesbian movie ‘Girlfriend’, starring Amrita Arora and Isha Koppikar, opens to packed houses. It causes a lot of controversy as it contains a lot of steamy lesbian action such as the hugely erotic scene where the two heroines smile at each other and then lick their lips.
The culture police cry foul. Avnish Bajaj is immediately arrested.
Inspite of a number of protests from all around the country, Dhanonjoy Chatterjee is hanged on his birthday, for cracking a Sardarji joke.
Hollywood screen legend Marlon Brando dies. R.S.Lodha is reported to have been ‘extremely disappointed’ when he found out that Brando hadn’t left him anything in his will.
Showing that she has overcome her Wimbledon disappointment, Serena Williams wins the U.S Open Women's Singles title, after legally changing her name to Champagne Supernova.
October
A major battle erupts between the Ambani brothers after elder brother Mukesh admits there is a rift over ownership of the Rs 90,000-crore Reliance Group. Soon, all hell breaks loose. The two brothers fight for everything, including the remote control. The spat turns ugly when Anil calls Mukesh a fat pig. The latter, in retaliation, hides Anil’s running shoes.
The Kanchi Shankaracharya Jayendra Saraswati is arrested. However, he is released after a few hours. Police officials are quick to clear up the confusion. They apparently mistook the seer to be Avnish Bajaj.
Actor Christopher Reeve, famous for playing Superman on screen, dies at the age of 52. His death comes nine years after he was paralysed from the neck down in a fall from his horse. In his will, Reeve leaves his famous costume (with cape) to R.S.Lodha, but it turns out to be too tight for him.
November
John Kerry wins the U.S. Presidential Election but is stripped of the post after it is found that he was secretly married to Siddharth Mishra. The presidency goes back to George W Bush, who celebrates the occasion by buying a new dog and naming it Barney.
It is found that Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat suffers from a blood disorder when he is taken seriously ill. The veteran politician is immediately rushed to Paris, so that he can receive top-class medical treatment from professional fashion designers. Just as he is recuperating, Arafat learns from a TV news report that he is actually dead. Always very conscious about maintaining his public image, he promptly folds up and dies, leaving Palestine to R.S. Lodha.
There is a major fire in a school in Kumbakonam which kills about 90 children. Avnish Bajaj is immediately arrested.
December
‘Pathogenesis’ is ranked the #1 word of the year. However, the word is soon disqualified when news emerges that it was secretly married to Siddharth Mishra. The #2 word - ‘Blog’ is named #1 instead.
Tragedy strikes as the worst earthquake of the last 40 years occurs in Indonesia. It records an intensity of 8.9 on the Richter scale. The last time that happened was in 1904 when baby Vijaykant fell off his cradle. The tsunamis that are formed as a result of the quake cause havoc all over Southern Asia and result in the deaths of thousands of innocent people.
R.S. Lodha appoints hundreds of lawyers to personally inspect the wills of all the people who lost their lives to the tidal tragedy.
Dempo FC's Brazilian striker Cristiano Junior scores two goals to help his team defeat Mohun Bagan in the final of the Federation Cup. He later dies on the football field after suffering a cardiac arrest.
Avnish Bajaj applies for anticipatory bail.
Disclaimer: None of the dates in the following article have been verified. They’re just there to hold the piece together. If any of them are correct, let me assure you that it is purely by accident. And while we’re on the subject, I might as well tell you that none of the facts have been verified either.
January
2004 was rung in with great merriment all over the world, except in Andhra Pradesh, where they rang in 1954 instead.
The war in Iraq continues to make headlines for the 23rd straight year. The military action reaches a fiery zenith when U.S marines storm the city of Fallujah in search of resistance leader Abu al-Zarqawi. He had to be eliminated immediately because President Bush was having trouble pronouncing his name.
Model Lakshmi Pandit wins the title of Miss India-World but is soon stripped of her crown after it is found that she was secretly married to Siddharth Mishra.
February
In what is undoubtedly the top news story of the year, two students of DPS RK Puram make a pornographic video clip. Within days, the fast-spreading clip reaches almost all the countries in the world and is apparently still spreading. According to latest reports, it has reached all the way to the deepest crater of Uranus.
An IIT student who tries to sell the clip on a popular Indian auction site is arrested. Mr. Avnish Bajaj, the CEO of the site, is also arrested.
Priyamvada Birla dies after seeing the clip, and in her will, leaves Rs.5000 crore worth of assets to her auditor R.S.Lodha. The rest of the Birla family is understandably miffed at the will, because it contained no information on where the clip was stored.
March
Zaheera Sheikh, the key witness in the Best Bakery case, turns hostile in her last hearing. She denies having seen the accused murdering her family members.
The 76th Academy Awards ceremony is held at the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles. 'The Lord Of The Rings : The Return Of The King', the final installment of the trilogy, wins a record-equalling 11 Oscar Awards. The cast and crew are delighted. Zaheera Sheikh says she loved the movie.
Soon, however, things turn horribly sour. All the 11 Oscars are taken back as it is discovered that the movie was secretly married to Siddharth Mishra. The cast and crew are disappointed. Zaheera Sheikh immediately denies having ever seen the movie.
April
A series of photos emerge showing US Forces allegedly abusing Iraqi detainees at the Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad. The graphic images show naked prisoners being terrorized with dogs and being forced to stimulate sexual acts. The soldiers were also tortured by being made to listen to Kris Srikkanth's Hindi commentary.
An IIT student tries selling the photos on a popular auction site. CEO Avnish Bajaj is immediately arrested.
Chechen separatists take a Beslan school with over 1,200 children and staff hostage. When the 53-hour Beslan siege finally ends, 350 children lie dead and 530 are injured. The rest are in the auditorium watching two eleventh-graders make out. Both are exchange students from India.
May
Ace American cyclist Lance Armstrong wins the Tour de France for the sixth consecutive year, cementing his place as one of the greatest athletes of all time. Frustrated officials announce that from 2005, the Tour De France will be held in Austin, Texas
The Indian Parliamentary Elections, the largest democratic exercise in the world, begin. It makes headlines all over the world, except in India, where it is pushed to Page 17. The front page carries news of the BCCI elections.
Sonia Gandhi leads the Congress party to a surprise victory over the incumbent BJP. She turns down the post of PM in dramatic fashion. It falls to unassuming and uncontroversial Manmohan Singh. His first action as the new Prime Minister of India is to pass a new law banning all forms of Sardarji jokes.
June
At Super Bowl XXXVIII, the biggest television event of the year, during the half-time show, Janet Jackson is performing on stage with Justin Timberlake when the latter accidentally rips off a part of her top. Her right breast is exposed for exactly 1/43000th of a second on National Television for the entire country to see.
The entire world is in an uproar and journalists all over the world rack their imagination to come up with a really innovative name for the scandal - Nipplegate. Bush misses it as he is too busy watching Pogo at that time. However, he vows to 'get to the bottom of it very soon'. The US Police swing into action. Avnish Bajaj is immediately arrested. The event is renamed Super Bowl XXX.
Meanwhile, in neighbouring Pakistan, scientist Abdul Qadeer Khan confesses to having transferred Nuclear Technology to Iran and Libya. Further investigations into the matter revealed that Khan was also instrumental in taking the wheel to Canada and teaching the Sri Lankans to make fire.
July
Edvard Munch’s iconic painting ‘The Scream’ is stolen by armed robbers in front of stunned visitors from the Munch Museum in Norway. The museum says that the stolen painting was worth an estimated 12m pounds. It speaks with a stutter.
Norwegian Culture Minister Valgerd Svastad Hauuglard says that the theft is 'Kaaaurghaard and Djaaulstaard', the Norwegian words for 'dreadful and shocking'. Avnish Bajaj is immediately arrested.
Former U.S President Bill Clinton releases his much awaited autobiography 'My Life' which turns out to be 876 million pages long. The critics are surprisingly quiet but that is probably because they are still reading the preface.
Meanwhile, in sporting news, Serena Williams wins the Wimbledon Women's Singles Title, but is disqualified because her name does not end in 'ova'.
August
Elusive forest brigand Veerappan is shot in the head by the special task force of the Tamil Nadu Police. In his will, the infamous bandit leaves behind 450,000 tons of sandalwood for R.S.Lodha.
The Olympics get underway in Athens, Greece with a spectacular opening ceremony. The Indian contingent exceeds all expectations by reaching the venue on time for the parade, and holding the flag the right side up.
In Samastipur, Bihar, 75 year-old Rukia Devi commits suicide by jumping into the funeral pyre of her husband Raghu (90). The Indian Olympic Committee is thrown into a state of gloom as she was India’s main medal prospect in the High Jump.
India’s biggest medal-hope Anju Bobby George disappoints, finishing a lowly sixth in the Long Jump. The Indian Government decides to reward her by awarding her the Rajiv Gandhi Khel Ratna, the highest sporting honour in the country.
Meanwhile, out of the blue, Major Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore does the nation proud by winning the silver medal in the Double Trap Shooting event. This leads to some initial confusion as Sunil Dutt, the Sports Minister doesn’t know what Double Trap Shooting was, but it didn’t matter in the end as no one else on the planet had the faintest idea. The Government rewards Rathore by mailing him the DPS video.
September
India's first lesbian movie ‘Girlfriend’, starring Amrita Arora and Isha Koppikar, opens to packed houses. It causes a lot of controversy as it contains a lot of steamy lesbian action such as the hugely erotic scene where the two heroines smile at each other and then lick their lips.
The culture police cry foul. Avnish Bajaj is immediately arrested.
Inspite of a number of protests from all around the country, Dhanonjoy Chatterjee is hanged on his birthday, for cracking a Sardarji joke.
Hollywood screen legend Marlon Brando dies. R.S.Lodha is reported to have been ‘extremely disappointed’ when he found out that Brando hadn’t left him anything in his will.
Showing that she has overcome her Wimbledon disappointment, Serena Williams wins the U.S Open Women's Singles title, after legally changing her name to Champagne Supernova.
October
A major battle erupts between the Ambani brothers after elder brother Mukesh admits there is a rift over ownership of the Rs 90,000-crore Reliance Group. Soon, all hell breaks loose. The two brothers fight for everything, including the remote control. The spat turns ugly when Anil calls Mukesh a fat pig. The latter, in retaliation, hides Anil’s running shoes.
The Kanchi Shankaracharya Jayendra Saraswati is arrested. However, he is released after a few hours. Police officials are quick to clear up the confusion. They apparently mistook the seer to be Avnish Bajaj.
Actor Christopher Reeve, famous for playing Superman on screen, dies at the age of 52. His death comes nine years after he was paralysed from the neck down in a fall from his horse. In his will, Reeve leaves his famous costume (with cape) to R.S.Lodha, but it turns out to be too tight for him.
November
John Kerry wins the U.S. Presidential Election but is stripped of the post after it is found that he was secretly married to Siddharth Mishra. The presidency goes back to George W Bush, who celebrates the occasion by buying a new dog and naming it Barney.
It is found that Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat suffers from a blood disorder when he is taken seriously ill. The veteran politician is immediately rushed to Paris, so that he can receive top-class medical treatment from professional fashion designers. Just as he is recuperating, Arafat learns from a TV news report that he is actually dead. Always very conscious about maintaining his public image, he promptly folds up and dies, leaving Palestine to R.S. Lodha.
There is a major fire in a school in Kumbakonam which kills about 90 children. Avnish Bajaj is immediately arrested.
December
‘Pathogenesis’ is ranked the #1 word of the year. However, the word is soon disqualified when news emerges that it was secretly married to Siddharth Mishra. The #2 word - ‘Blog’ is named #1 instead.
Tragedy strikes as the worst earthquake of the last 40 years occurs in Indonesia. It records an intensity of 8.9 on the Richter scale. The last time that happened was in 1904 when baby Vijaykant fell off his cradle. The tsunamis that are formed as a result of the quake cause havoc all over Southern Asia and result in the deaths of thousands of innocent people.
R.S. Lodha appoints hundreds of lawyers to personally inspect the wills of all the people who lost their lives to the tidal tragedy.
Dempo FC's Brazilian striker Cristiano Junior scores two goals to help his team defeat Mohun Bagan in the final of the Federation Cup. He later dies on the football field after suffering a cardiac arrest.
Avnish Bajaj applies for anticipatory bail.
posted by Vinod @ 10:35 PM
60 Comments:
hilarious well tied up. overuse of married to whoever joke
Thanks a lot and I'm stunned that you didn't think that poor old Avnish Bajaj was overused!!!
"The graphic images show naked prisoners being terrorized with dogs and being forced to stimulate sexual acts."
What the hell do you mean by stimulate?
Hilarious man.Good oneliners along FPS lines.My pick:
The Indian contingent exceeds all expectations by reaching the venue on time for the parade, and holding the flag the right side up.:-)
The soldiers were also tortured by being made to listen to Kris Srikkanth's Hindi commentary.:-))
...of resistance leader Abu al-Zarqawi. He had to be eliminated immediately because President Bush was having trouble pronouncing his name.:-)))
It causes a lot of controversy as it contains a lot of steamy lesbian action such as the hugely erotic scene where the two heroines smile at each other and then lick their lips.:-)))
First Anonymous, I think what you need is a dictionary.
And second Anonymous, thanks!!!
And second Anonymous, what the hell is FPS?
Amazing article Vinod, nearly fell off my chair laughing.
Keep it up maan. !!
Thanks man! Glad you enjoyed it.
hey!
ROTFL! but you forgot to say how avnish bajaj was denied bail, first by the high court and then, by the Supreme Court, for having smoked a cigarette in Mumbai, the sparks of which started a fire in a marriage hall in Srirangam! :)
cheers!
excellent:)) hope 2005 gives you enough to cook another feast ...
Hey Senior,
You don't know how hard I'm kicking myself for having thought that up!
And George, glad you enjoyed it!
life is such an equaliser man!!! one day u r the hot shot ceo of an up and coming portal,u get accquired by e-bay, and the next day u r the butt of almost all the jokes on the net.
great work.
Hilarious
Super funny!
'Serena Williams wins the U.S Open Women's Singles title, after legally changing her name to Champagne Supernova.'
Are you an Oasis fan?
Rohan
P.S: What does 'pathogenesis' mean anyway?
that was awesome!
incredibly hilarious!!
ROTF!!!
Awesome!! What a flashback!!
Chennai blogger, I see the irony too. I wanted to point out how unjust that arrest was, that's why the exxxxxtra stress on it.
Anonymous, Sabarish and Sharath, thanks a lot!
Hey Rohan, thanks!
'Pathogenesis' means 'The development of a diseased or morbid condition'. I still think it should've won. 'Blog' doesn't have the same emotional power.
And no, not exactly an Oasis fan. But I think they're great!
Very Dave Barry'esque..Totally hilarious Vinod !
Keep penning :-)
Jupe
I laughed my butt off! And I have promptly fallen in love with Avnish Bajaj, for India's first gay flick presumably!
Lovely round up!
Jupe, Prakriti thanks!
Hey Vinod,
That was an awesome post. It took me back to the good old days when all I ever read was MAD comics.
Dude, You made my day. ;) KIU.
Hey Karthik, thanks! That really means a lot to me, coming from a professional writer like you.
A remarkable round up for a very remarkable year... I really feel that was awesome...
hey thats hilarious!!
~swarnicasinha
http://www.blogs.sify.com/swarnicasinha
Good Lord and Swarnicasinha, thanks!
Sorry that I got late here... but enjoyed every single word of it... That was really funny, pal!!!
Keep it up!
Will be checking you regularly...(I meant the site!)
Cheers,
Vasu
Thanks Vasu, do keet visiting!!
Hey stud, I actually enjoyed the overuse..of the joke..and the whole fun of the joke..lied in it's repetition..sorry to say..but some of yr critic's don't understand yr sense of humour..Loved everything abt Lodha..that Obesce S.O.B does'nt deserve a pie!
Was also very happy, that u did'nt make fun of the poor brazilian footballer who died..It is so sad that these ppl come all the way from football's mecca..Brazil to play in a country..where most ppl..think they can use their hands in football..and pushing and shoving ppl is an important component of the game itself , also the obvious fact that..most football authorities..think that the less green a football ground affords is equally proportional to the more suitable these grounds are to the game...
I really think, action shld be taken against that Bengali Ba%$^*& who finally ended up killing him, apparently he has history of such rash challenges.
I do think the post was great, but frankly it falls short of your usual standards. You couldn't generate enough jokes for the over-long post.
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Help me Dude, I'm lost.
I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw Elvis in the supermarket yesterday.
No honest really, he was right there in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender".
He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a shiny, new plasmatv to go with that blue suede sofa of yours.
But Elvis said I, In the Ghetto nobody has a plasma tv .
Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger then I'm gonna go home and ask Michael Jackson to come round and watch that waaaay cool surfing scene in Apocalypse Now on my new plasma tv .
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Abdul Qadeer Khan later confessed he was married to Siddharth Mishra too. ;-))
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