A number of people (1, to be precise) wondered why I didn't write anything on the U.S Presidential Elections of 2004
. So, for his sake at least, I felt I should write something on the subject. Here it is:
After the disastrous elections of 2000, Americans didn't really want to have to go through another Presidential election. In fact, there was even some early talk that the job might be outsourced to India. But all this talk came to nothing as earlier this year, the 2004 U.S Presidential Elections were announced. Before we look at what happened, some background info first,
Traditionally, in the U.S.A, the Republican Party has always had a very square and dour image, which was not helped by the fact that they consistently chose Presidential candidates who were about as interesting as Calculus problems. The Democratic Party, on the other hand, chose candidates who were handsome, charming, and of course, extremely witty.
So, in the 2000 elections, the Republican Party, in an effort to prove that they too had some wit (half), nominated George W (Wacko) Bush
, affectionately known as 'Dubya'
, for President of the United States. In fact, his candidature was considered so hopeless that his campaign slogan was 'Ten Bucks Says I'll Lose'
. He was said to be the son of ex-prez George Bush Sr., though he looked more like the missing link between man and ape. Historically speaking, the one thing against Dubya (actually, one of many things) was that only once before had America elected an ex-president's son to the White House. Also, America had never ever elected a total jackass to the post of Chief Executive. So, to put it mildly, he didn't have a chance in hell.
However, fate seemed to be on his side as the Democratic Party decided to field then Vice-President Al Gore
(Full Name: Al Gorithm, Arabic for 'The Gorithm'), who had to have been the most uninteresting person ever in politics. I don't even want to imagine how dull the White House would've been when he was there. When you think about it, you really can't blame Clinton for having looked for other sources of oral interaction. In fact, Gore was so incredibly boring that even his own mother dozed off while naming him ('What do you want to call our our boy, dear?' 'Hmmm...let's call him Al..zzzzzzz'
) Psephologists all over are still speculating as to whether his first name was supposed to have been Albert, Alfred or Algebra.
So, with help from all corners, George W Bush went on to defeat Al Gore in the closest Presidential election in the history of the U.S.A. He ended up winning by the really slim margin of about -500,000 votes. Not many people believed the result was fair, but then these were also the same idiots who voted for Gore. But you have to give some credit to the man and his running mate Dick Cheney
, who was chosen solely because he was the only guy available with a lower IQ than Bush himself. Their campaign focussed on all the issues that the average American cared about - reforming America's public schools, transforming the defence, providing tax relief and legalizing prostitution.
It was thus that George W Bush became the most powerful man in the world (beating Superman in the finals) In the four years that he was in office, the budget deficit grew larger, jobs became scarcer and the U.S got involved in two totally meaningless wars halfway across the globe. In spite of all this, Dubya still decided to run for re-election this year, because, he claimed, that his work was not finished. Lol!
The poor old Republican Party had no choice but to nominate him again, this time with the slogan 'This is not the same guy. He just looks like him'.
Everyone felt he was going to lose this time - the newspapers, the TV channels, the opinion polls, the White House staff, his family, everyone.
Going up against the Prez for the Democratic party this time was a Senator named John Kerry
, whose sole political achievement was having a chin that was longer than his nose. During the run-up to the elections, for a long time, Kerry seemed to be ahead in the opinion polls but that was probably only because he looked like a horse.
Upon closer inspection of the polls, Dubya was found to be way ahead and because he was a proper fundamentalist Christian against the concepts of abortion and gay marriage, he possessed the only qualification needed to win the geographical region in the south and the mid-section of the U.S, popularly termed the Bible Belt
, which, co-incidentally was also the grand prize on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire : Christmas Special'.
Both the candidates campaigned long and hard all around the country. In fact, Dubya even campaigned in Mexico for a bit. Apart from this, the highlight of this year's election battle was a debate between the President and his challenger, which attracted an astounding TV viewership of about 5, which was still 4 more than the number of people who tuned into the vice-presidential debate the following day.
The debate was of a very high quality (ISO 9001:2000) and both the candidates excelled in the war of words they waged on each other. Even after all the waging, however, Dubya still couldn't find the WMDs he was looking for. Anyway, for all you unlucky souls who missed it, here're some of the best moments from the show of the year:
Our President does not appear to be concerned about the situation in Pakistan. In fact, I doubt he even knows where Pakistan is, leave alone what's happening there. (*smirk*
Of course I know what's happening in Afghani... sorry, Pakistan. The Pakistani General, the guy who took over. It appears he's doing good stuff. By good stuff, I mean stuff that's ...welll.. good. That's great, I think! Isn't it?
Can you name this Pakistani General?
Ok let's see...it's definitely not General Electric.... there's an M somewhere in the name....no wait I got it..........General Motors!!!
HA HA HA HE HE HE HO HO HO*
What're you laughing for? Can YOU tell me who pitched for the Rangers at the last World Series?
The Rangers didn't even play in the last World Series.
(a little later)
Mr.President, consider the following hypothetical situation. The country is in the middle of a major war. There is a major drought in the country. An epidemic is sweeping all the major cities. The stock market crashes and your dog dies. How will you tackle that problem?
Well, it depends...
In spite of this superlative performance, Dubya continued to miraculously edge all the pre-election opinion polls. And so on it went until finally, election day dawned. Around 75% of America's eligible voters went to the polling booths but half of them took one look at the long queues and went back home to watch basketball. Among the ones who did end up voting, most couldn't understand the ballots and so, by some weird mistake, ended up voting for Spongebob Squarepants. Anyway, the elections went off peacefully.
And, finally, after an extremely close contest that went right down to the wire and received an electric shock for its troubles, it finally came down to the state of Ohio
. The candidate who won Ohio would be the next President of the United States. People were afraid that this was going to be a repeat of the Florida fiasco of 2000, when it took 36 months to determine who had won.
However, that was not to be as Sen. John Kerry turned out to be smarter than he looked. He did some quick calculations in his head and figured out that he wasn't going to win no matter what happened and so, announced a press conference where he gracefully conceded defeat. He also wished President Bush good luck for the next four years, but alert viewers noticed he had his fingers crossed.
Throughout the press conference, Kerry did an admirable job of putting on a brave face for the cameras but sensitive viewers could see that deep inside, he was hurting real bad. Don't believe me? Just look at the T-shirt he wore to the conference.
That sums it up perfectly, dontcha think?
*This is how Presidential candidates laugh, giving equal importance to the HAs, the HEs and Santa Claus.